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My breast cancer surgery will trake place on Thursaday the 26th of August, 2010. Three days to go.... The nurse will call me from the hospital the day before to give the last instructions. I have that minimal tumor in my right breast, quite deep in there, unable to feel by hand but visible in mammography and ultrasound scan. It has most likely not spread anywhere, the biopsed proofs did not contain any cells that would have been hinting on a spreading kind of cancer. So they will not remove the entire breast unless they find some more of those minimal tumors which is not likely but which we actually know for sure only after the surgery. They will not empty the armpit either, it would cause swelling and pain in the arm later. Instead, before the operation, they will inject blue color and radioactive matter to the tumor so that if it has sent cells to spread, they will catch them and see that it has happened, and will be able to remove those lymph nodes from the armpit that contain cancer cells. Most likely none of them contain those cells so they will not be removed. The blue color will also "paint" all the lymph nodes in the armpit so they can, during the operation, search for those contaminated lymph nodes with something that reacts with that radioactive matter that they will inject to the cell before the surgery (to make the first inspections already then). It delights me somehow that they are researching it all so closely. I did not know actually that breast cancer surgery is in fact a series of acts and not just the surgery. They can actually make breast reconstruction too at the same time if they consider it necessary but I won't be needing it - at least I think so. And anyway, lots of these reconstructions are done afterwards.
Hmmm.... what else? Oh. That minimal tumor is so small that they think the surgeon will not necessarily find it, so an x-ray specialist will actually mark it before the surgery by putting a metal thread through the breast tissue up to the tumor, so that by following that metal thread, the surgeon will actually find the tumor she is about to remove. It sounds a bit scary but I have been told it won't hurt more than a normal injection so okey - I think I can manage.The surgery will be made in Centarl Hospital of Vaasa, by a surgeon who has specialized in breast surgery.
They have estimated that all in all the surgery will take 2,5 hours. I will be let home in 1 - 2 days after the surgery, depending on how I recover from the operation and the anesthesia. I hope I will recover as soon as possible, and as well as possible, that I won't get fuzzy or aggressive like my mother did, and that I will be my old self after that and not someone else like happened to a man I know - he has never been back to himself after he had anesthesia. It's scary.
My breast - the one with the tumor - has actually been hurting ever since the biopsy.
I had eczema in the armpit, from wearing underwired bra and sweating in the hot weather. The surgeon said I have to get rid of that eczema before the surgery, it cannot be operated if that rash is still there. Now I have not been wearing bra at all, and I have been washing the area every time I sweat, and applied cream on it, and I have mainly used light-colored loose shirts and changed a clean one often... I mean I have been as careful as possible. Right now I don't have the eczema anymore and I hope to maintain that status till the surgery. I also hope to stay healthy and not get any infection before the surgery...So much to be worried of!
Sunday, August 22, 2010
Monday, August 16, 2010
All previous posts from my Windows Live site (ask for an invitation!), starting from diadnosis, on the bottom!
These blog posts have all been published on my Windows Live and / or Facebook sites. Please ask me for an invitation! Their protection is high so probably you cannot find them with any searches.
26. July
Off with bad vibes! Today is a good day!
Cosmic loneliness has been replaced with cosmic love. I have not often felt this good and this strong and this wonderful, and I have not often loved myself and people around me this much. It is good to realize that life is not going on forever, and it feels good to live at this moment, enjoying what I have and loving those I have. I am constantly happy and sparkling and I enjoy each moment of it - mornings excluded ! (Sorry, my heart... my beloved husband and my wonderful kids! I love you anyway!)
My prayer last night was to be freed emotionally and mentally from a very destructive person that has been giving bad vibes in my life for far too long. Maybe this is temporary, maybe this is even part of a false euphory, but today I feel that the agony after this person is gone. Praise the Lord, I am freed from yet another burden. Honestly, I think that although cancer does not have a cause and it is nobody's fault - this process with that person who cannot be mentally normal has been so violent to my self that I wouldn't be surprised if it would have harmed me so much that my body has developed cancer.
Funny as it may seem, cancer has healed more than it has disturbed so far. But I am just in the beginning with it, a lot of different things, feelings and ups and downs are sure to come. I will take them as they come. Now I am here. Today is a good day.11:36 | Lisää kommentti | Pysyvä linkki | Lisää se blogiin | Terveys ja hyvinvointi22. heinäkuuta
It is not about me - it is about them!
I read something this morning that felt important when I try to understand what we have been discussing in Twitter and what I have been going through several times when being ill - and what I may prepare myself to even more now when what I have is cancer.
It is that when people reject me because of my illness, it is not because of me that they do it. It is not my fault. It is not that I have done something wrong. It is because of themselves, their background, their history, their own attitudes. They have the difficulty in themselves, not in me. They may even blame me but the real difficulty that they are feeling is their own. It is about their unability to deal with illness in other people, or illness in me, or illness in general. It may even be the fear of loss that makes people take distance, or break a friendship. And I have to understand this and free myself from feeling guilty when this happens. It is not easy either but it is good to know it is so... good to be reminded of it.
Of course illness brings up the more unpleasant side of myself too. Then I can also hope for understanding from my near ones - and I can expect not to be pushed away.
One can always hope for more mature friends in the future.
10:05 | Lisää kommentti | Pysyvä linkki | Lisää se blogiin | Terveys ja hyvinvointi21. heinäkuuta
Day 6, Wednesday
Managed doing at work what I had planned to - scheduling. Also managed writing a few postcards to my friends, and one letter. Talked to my employee, got him to a better mood. There was vivid discussion in Twitter about friends, friendships, disabilities and illnesses. I participated actively. STRANGE how complete STRANGERS get good friends, for example in Twitter. I'd never have thought of it before.
Went to fill in diesel to the car after work. Paid, and then realized the car was wrong way.... had to turn it, and the next client was already waiting in the automat... things like this happen to me now all the time - normally they do not happen, I automatically drive right way... It just tells how crowded my mind is, after the cancer diagnosis.
Have been chatting with Sosin tonight, he is very nice. I want to keep friendships reciprocal as long as possible - perhaps there will be a time when I will mostly be the receiving part if I get very weak but it is not here yet. As long as I can, I want to pay attention to my friends too, not just myself.
I have not perhaps yet said but I am really really happy of my husband. He is so wonderful to me, so loving, so caring and consideratee. I could not think of anyone better than he is.
21:13 | Lisää kommentti | Pysyvä linkki | Lisää se blogiin | Terveys ja hyvinvointiDay 5, Tuesday
Finally had time and energy to look for another theme here and found a breast cancer pink one. Wonder if I am going to hate pink, or love it, when time goes by?
Mo Yee gave me a very useful link to a blog written by a pastor's wife whom she knows, the writer is receiving chemotherapy. I am so grateful.
It has been a bit busy online, I have received a lot of support and encouraging and I think this was the busiest day in that sense. perhaps not surprisingly, most of it comes from my Twitter mates.
I went shopping after a pretty useless day at work - which was good for me though, I loved to see all those people and even that is somehow nice - we are only a handful there right now, most are on holiday.
Two years ago a work mate of mine lost all her goods in her deep freezer when it got broken and everything melted. I then brought to her from ours, we had all our deep freezers full, and I then forgot it completely. Today, she came with a beautiful hand-made rose-shaped candle and a lovely glass vase and obviously still thankful. I'd not have needed anything but I think that it was God's way to tell me that He has not forgotten me, good things happen, and maybe something that I have done will be rewarded like this - I don't mean that I am expecting for rewards but - you know. It made me happy. I neveer thought God would forget me - I know He is taking care of me and as He has found it good and appropriate to put me in this situation, He will also walk with me, even carry me if need be - He will prepare my steps ahead of me, I am completely safe.
I went shopping after work, shopping things pink... just felt so. Psyching myself maybe. AND found a matching bracelet for my TURQUOISE jewelry, LOL!
Was quite tired when arrived at home at about 7:30 p.m. Had left at 8 a.m.
Studied the Romans again, 1st and 2nd chapter. Caught that we are all equally sinners, no one is better than the other, and it felt a relief - I don't have to judge anyone. Still it said again that there is such a thing as absolute evil. It got clear to me that absolute evil and absolute good exist, and they are by no means relative. There is nothing to explain away absolute evil. If something is wrong, it is wrong, no matter whether you do it for which reasons ever. I am thinking of the invitation / visa dilemma (still, although I think that man must be in Germany by his girl friend already!). Writing an invitation would have been wrong even for a friend, even for good reasons. AND if I had served him by writing that, I had caused a lot of evil to my family. I am not allowed to do that. More than so, I am not allowed to do things that are wrong. All kind of blackmailing and blurring of these concepts, appealing to friendship or whatever, is against God's will.
Then I got frightened. What if he will start soime more online harrassing than what has already happened? Starts publishing my mails, or creates nasty accounts for me - he has done it for others, he can do it for me too. Again I got God's word: not one hair from your head will be cut without my allowing it. ANd on the other hand - what do I care about his possible future harrassment? It does not proof anything about me but about him - what kind of a person he is. I don't even believe he will do anythhing like that - there might be just some sort of respect anyway as he said himself, sometimes.
Had fibromyalgia aches and pains in legs and feet during the night, ate a lot extra, slept 4 hrs and could not use CPAP.
Day 4, Monday, Back to Work
R writes on his Live profile:
"Strange how firends become starngers and strangers become near friends" (not quite his typing but I am writing it as I can, he types differently - strengers...). He has not been in touch for ages so I replied - he once said I'd be his best friend lol - that it is just the choices he makes. We were internet friends for quite many years until he started saying things to me as we quarrelled, like, "get well first and come back then" - is that something you say to a chronically ill person who cannot get well no matter how she tries? Is that something to say to a friend? He never apologised and I beg God will forgive him because I find it hard to do when not even regretted... I took distance but it seemed he wanted to keep in touch and I thought I knew why - he needed a false invitation to Schengen and thought I would be silly enough to write it. As he asked, I refused but I was also very angry, especially as it felt that when I was checking things he did not want me to do that. He has innumerous friends and family in EU / Schengen and no one of these wanted to write that invitation, so he must have known it was not harmless. He was willing to throw me, my safety, my family all in disaster for his pleasure. He had the heart to say that I was worth nothing "when it comes to real" and he never apologised that either. I have said quite a lot of things too but I apologised, and he has a big heart, he did forgive me and I appreciate it a lot, it is a brilliant gesture... still. What he writes now feels like emotional blackmailing or whatever, very unpleasant if it was addressed to me. - This just to explain why I got upset. It has at times been a good relationship, a good friendship, it has opebned my eyes and I am sure it has given a lot to him too but now we are at this stage. Sad. But it is really hard to feel I am dealing wit dishonesty.
Also otherwise it was a difficult day at work, I had really big difficulties concentrating on anything and I was in the end just wishing that the day would be over. I decided to run errands to avoid panic on a later stage of the week and so I went to the pharmacy, post office, and then to buy ice cream. I struggled really a lot to keep myself calm and act normally though I was feeling how panic was rising its head inside of me.
At home I did household chores and got pretty much done. Then I went upstairs to pay some bills online and then I collapsed. I did not find my wallet anywhere, I had obviously left it on the shop where I went for ice cream because when I paid, I had to take bonus card from one wallet, money from another, and still manage the ice cream in my hands when paying and receiving change and I thought afterwards that it must have been too much for my loaded mind which was all the time on the brink of collapsing. I was desperately looking for the wallet, Rikard helped me, and we did not find it. Then came tears and I was sobbing ... why do I have to try to do things when I cannot concentrate and keep my mind clear.... things like that... and I was crying that they could have buroied me at least with the money that could now be gobe forever... Rikard told me not to get despaired and I just said I was despaired already.... I said it had hit me that I am not in a good shape so that I could even survive an operation so I might as well be dead in a few weeks, I might die on the operation table, considering how poorly my lungs work. I was really getting hysterical about it.
All the time I have thought that I need a lot more time for studying the Bible and talking to God. I took the Bible and as Eila had reminded me of what God said to Paul who grumbled - "My grace is enough for you" - I thought I'd start reading Paul's letters,a nd took the letter to the Romans, and read the 1st chapter. I cannot say more here in Internet but if you read it - and consider what had upset me previously that day - was that an asnwer? I have to study it again, with prayer, to find out.
Venla asked me as we were watching TV when I was going to be operated. Then she surprised me by saying that she is willing to go to the hospital to negotiate about my operation time - she was worried it would take too long to get in the operation. "I am very good at negotiating", she said, and gestured how she'd threaten the officials with shotguns. We were both laughing, she is a real clown! :D I did not know she had even listened about what we had talked about my cancer. 15:35
Day 3, Sunday
Seriously wondering if I should go to the doctor because of the bleeding, but decided not to. Rikard even found for me the info about where the ER was that week-end. Postponed the decision so that I would go to see the work place nurse in case the scar would still be bleeding on Monday. Did reasonable household work, surfed quite a lot in the net to collect information, and ordered stuff like books, guides - and a pink scarf. Still managed to keep quite calm. Avoided lifting things, especially with the right hand, in order not to make the scar worse and bleeding more. Spent quite some time reading a book - I am reading Donna Leon's books about crimes in Venice - all fiction but I love the way she describes Venice, that small town, and its people, and I also love the problem-setting there and the social criticism. One book was about illegal sex workers brought to the country from abroad, i.e. human trade. So good it is taken as a subject also in fiction like this.
Went to bed early. I am seriously trying to improve my manners according to how I treat myself. I must listen to my body and give it the rest it needs so that I can go on with life. I am sure I will need all the strength I have in the coming days. It was said on one of the cancer patient sites that I was reading that "You are from now on the most important person in your life." At least on Sunday I believed it and went to bed as early as possible.
Day 2, Saturday
Did not go to work for a vernissage. There were three other people working in there for us, I was not needed and the place - iron mill museum area - is not good for my asthma. Instead, went to the market with Rikard and the girls. Could walk around the market square and all the side streets where there was selling. Felt well except that the breast hurt and the scar was bleeding although I had been told that it would not bleed. It worried me to some extend because I had been told to consult a doctor in case it would start bleeding and I didn't. The day before, I got flowers from Rikard - PINK roses - and he was very worried. It was a very warm-hearted gesture from him and it felt really good, as well as his care too. Rikard and Venla went indoors after a while, I went on searhing with Magdalena and we enjoyed the heat. I enjoyed the crowds too, it felt good to be among other people. Before they went indoors, we had pancakes and juice. I bought several handmade, wooden items for the kitchen, bakery, summer "jewelry" (turquoise which I love, I found a matching necklace for my earrings.) I did not forget the diagnose but I could push it back. I did not weant to think about it. In the afternoon I spent most of the time studying breast cancer and cancer associations in the Internet. Perhaps it was then that I wrote the first notes about my breast cancer on my web pages too. I decided not to keep it secret. I also felt it was better to restrict talking about it on sites where someone would perhaps not like to read about it, so I opened two new sites, FB and Windows Live, to go on writing. I need a diary and a place to vent - and perhaps, if someone wants to know about how things are, it can be found here and I am not throwing things into anyone's face on my regular pages.
July 19th 2010
Diagnosed - Diagnoosi
Pinkkiä fonttia ei ole, joten tämä saa kelvata. Viime torstaina töissä salainen puhelinnumeroni rupesi soimaan. Vastasin. Puhelu tuli Vaasan Mehiläisestä, yksityiseltä lääkäriasemalta, jonne mammografiakuvani olivat menneet seulottavaksi. Jotain oli jäänyt seulaan, minut haluttiin lisätutkimuksiin seuraavaksi päiväksi. Kaikki kiireet jäivät, kirjoitin ajan kalenteriini ja menin Eilan syntymäpäiville. Tuntui siltä että piti nähdä ihmisiä, olla ihmisten keskellä. Eila täytti 59 vuotta. Oli 15.7.2010.
There is no pink font so this must do. Last Thursday at work my phone started ringing and I answered. It was from Mehiläinen, Vaasa, a private hospital where my mammography xrays had been sent to be researched. Something had been found, and they wanted me to come for extra scans and research the very next day. I made a notre in my digital calendar, all my business was wiped away. I ledft for Eila's birthday. I felt I wanted to see people, be among living creatures. Eila celebrated her 59th birthday. It was July 15th, 2010.
Amanuenssi soitteli ja lähetteli tekstiviestejä puoli kahteen saakka yöllä. Aamulla hoidin työasioita, puolilta päivin lähdin Vaasaan. Oikeasta rinnasta otettiin suurennoskuvia. Lääkäri tuli tekemään ultraäänitutkimusta. Sekä kuvissa että ultrassa näkyi noin 5mm x 8 mm kokoinen tumma kohta, jota oli mahdoton tuntea tunnustelemalla. Puudutettiin, otettiin kaksi karkeaneulanäytettä. Itse neulalla sohiminen ei sattunut, mutta näytteenotto sattui kyllä. Minulle kerrottiin, että näyte menee Tampereen yliopistolliseen sairaalaan patologin tutkittavaksi ja lopuulisen vastauksen saaminen kestää 5 - 7 työpäivää. Lääkäri piti syöpädiagnoosia varmana. Sanoi soittavansa minulle kun vastaus tulee, ja lähettävänsä sitten asiakirjat sähköisesti Vaasan keskussairaalaan, jolloin ne ovat perillä saman tien, ja leikkaukseen pitäisi kuulema päästä pian. Hoitaja laastaroi biopsiakohdan. Lähdin kipuineni menemään. Pelkäsin autolla ajoa.
The specialist from the museum called qand sent sms:s till 1:30 a.m. In the morning I organized some work-related things, at noon I heasded to Vaasa. The nurse took magnified x-rays from teh right breast. A doctor made an ultra sound research. Both showed an approximately 5 mm x 8 mm sized dark spot, which was impossible to feel with hands and fingers. Two biopsies wewre taken. Intruding the breast with the nail did not hurt, it was anesthetized, but taking the proof bits did hurt. I was told that the samples would be sent to Tampere University hospital and that the results would come within 5 - 7 working days. The doctor talked right out about cancer, he considered it as a confirmed thing already. He said he'd call me immediately when he goets the results, and they willt hen immediately be passed to the hospital which will operate me - which should also happen some time soon, according tot he doctor. The nurse plastered the biopsy hole. I went out with my hurting breast. I was frightened to drive a car.
26. July
Off with bad vibes! Today is a good day!
Cosmic loneliness has been replaced with cosmic love. I have not often felt this good and this strong and this wonderful, and I have not often loved myself and people around me this much. It is good to realize that life is not going on forever, and it feels good to live at this moment, enjoying what I have and loving those I have. I am constantly happy and sparkling and I enjoy each moment of it - mornings excluded ! (Sorry, my heart... my beloved husband and my wonderful kids! I love you anyway!)
My prayer last night was to be freed emotionally and mentally from a very destructive person that has been giving bad vibes in my life for far too long. Maybe this is temporary, maybe this is even part of a false euphory, but today I feel that the agony after this person is gone. Praise the Lord, I am freed from yet another burden. Honestly, I think that although cancer does not have a cause and it is nobody's fault - this process with that person who cannot be mentally normal has been so violent to my self that I wouldn't be surprised if it would have harmed me so much that my body has developed cancer.
Funny as it may seem, cancer has healed more than it has disturbed so far. But I am just in the beginning with it, a lot of different things, feelings and ups and downs are sure to come. I will take them as they come. Now I am here. Today is a good day.11:36 | Lisää kommentti | Pysyvä linkki | Lisää se blogiin | Terveys ja hyvinvointi22. heinäkuuta
It is not about me - it is about them!
I read something this morning that felt important when I try to understand what we have been discussing in Twitter and what I have been going through several times when being ill - and what I may prepare myself to even more now when what I have is cancer.
It is that when people reject me because of my illness, it is not because of me that they do it. It is not my fault. It is not that I have done something wrong. It is because of themselves, their background, their history, their own attitudes. They have the difficulty in themselves, not in me. They may even blame me but the real difficulty that they are feeling is their own. It is about their unability to deal with illness in other people, or illness in me, or illness in general. It may even be the fear of loss that makes people take distance, or break a friendship. And I have to understand this and free myself from feeling guilty when this happens. It is not easy either but it is good to know it is so... good to be reminded of it.
Of course illness brings up the more unpleasant side of myself too. Then I can also hope for understanding from my near ones - and I can expect not to be pushed away.
One can always hope for more mature friends in the future.
10:05 | Lisää kommentti | Pysyvä linkki | Lisää se blogiin | Terveys ja hyvinvointi21. heinäkuuta
Day 6, Wednesday
Managed doing at work what I had planned to - scheduling. Also managed writing a few postcards to my friends, and one letter. Talked to my employee, got him to a better mood. There was vivid discussion in Twitter about friends, friendships, disabilities and illnesses. I participated actively. STRANGE how complete STRANGERS get good friends, for example in Twitter. I'd never have thought of it before.
Went to fill in diesel to the car after work. Paid, and then realized the car was wrong way.... had to turn it, and the next client was already waiting in the automat... things like this happen to me now all the time - normally they do not happen, I automatically drive right way... It just tells how crowded my mind is, after the cancer diagnosis.
Have been chatting with Sosin tonight, he is very nice. I want to keep friendships reciprocal as long as possible - perhaps there will be a time when I will mostly be the receiving part if I get very weak but it is not here yet. As long as I can, I want to pay attention to my friends too, not just myself.
I have not perhaps yet said but I am really really happy of my husband. He is so wonderful to me, so loving, so caring and consideratee. I could not think of anyone better than he is.
21:13 | Lisää kommentti | Pysyvä linkki | Lisää se blogiin | Terveys ja hyvinvointiDay 5, Tuesday
Finally had time and energy to look for another theme here and found a breast cancer pink one. Wonder if I am going to hate pink, or love it, when time goes by?
Mo Yee gave me a very useful link to a blog written by a pastor's wife whom she knows, the writer is receiving chemotherapy. I am so grateful.
It has been a bit busy online, I have received a lot of support and encouraging and I think this was the busiest day in that sense. perhaps not surprisingly, most of it comes from my Twitter mates.
I went shopping after a pretty useless day at work - which was good for me though, I loved to see all those people and even that is somehow nice - we are only a handful there right now, most are on holiday.
Two years ago a work mate of mine lost all her goods in her deep freezer when it got broken and everything melted. I then brought to her from ours, we had all our deep freezers full, and I then forgot it completely. Today, she came with a beautiful hand-made rose-shaped candle and a lovely glass vase and obviously still thankful. I'd not have needed anything but I think that it was God's way to tell me that He has not forgotten me, good things happen, and maybe something that I have done will be rewarded like this - I don't mean that I am expecting for rewards but - you know. It made me happy. I neveer thought God would forget me - I know He is taking care of me and as He has found it good and appropriate to put me in this situation, He will also walk with me, even carry me if need be - He will prepare my steps ahead of me, I am completely safe.
I went shopping after work, shopping things pink... just felt so. Psyching myself maybe. AND found a matching bracelet for my TURQUOISE jewelry, LOL!
Was quite tired when arrived at home at about 7:30 p.m. Had left at 8 a.m.
Studied the Romans again, 1st and 2nd chapter. Caught that we are all equally sinners, no one is better than the other, and it felt a relief - I don't have to judge anyone. Still it said again that there is such a thing as absolute evil. It got clear to me that absolute evil and absolute good exist, and they are by no means relative. There is nothing to explain away absolute evil. If something is wrong, it is wrong, no matter whether you do it for which reasons ever. I am thinking of the invitation / visa dilemma (still, although I think that man must be in Germany by his girl friend already!). Writing an invitation would have been wrong even for a friend, even for good reasons. AND if I had served him by writing that, I had caused a lot of evil to my family. I am not allowed to do that. More than so, I am not allowed to do things that are wrong. All kind of blackmailing and blurring of these concepts, appealing to friendship or whatever, is against God's will.
Then I got frightened. What if he will start soime more online harrassing than what has already happened? Starts publishing my mails, or creates nasty accounts for me - he has done it for others, he can do it for me too. Again I got God's word: not one hair from your head will be cut without my allowing it. ANd on the other hand - what do I care about his possible future harrassment? It does not proof anything about me but about him - what kind of a person he is. I don't even believe he will do anythhing like that - there might be just some sort of respect anyway as he said himself, sometimes.
Had fibromyalgia aches and pains in legs and feet during the night, ate a lot extra, slept 4 hrs and could not use CPAP.
Day 4, Monday, Back to Work
R writes on his Live profile:
"Strange how firends become starngers and strangers become near friends" (not quite his typing but I am writing it as I can, he types differently - strengers...). He has not been in touch for ages so I replied - he once said I'd be his best friend lol - that it is just the choices he makes. We were internet friends for quite many years until he started saying things to me as we quarrelled, like, "get well first and come back then" - is that something you say to a chronically ill person who cannot get well no matter how she tries? Is that something to say to a friend? He never apologised and I beg God will forgive him because I find it hard to do when not even regretted... I took distance but it seemed he wanted to keep in touch and I thought I knew why - he needed a false invitation to Schengen and thought I would be silly enough to write it. As he asked, I refused but I was also very angry, especially as it felt that when I was checking things he did not want me to do that. He has innumerous friends and family in EU / Schengen and no one of these wanted to write that invitation, so he must have known it was not harmless. He was willing to throw me, my safety, my family all in disaster for his pleasure. He had the heart to say that I was worth nothing "when it comes to real" and he never apologised that either. I have said quite a lot of things too but I apologised, and he has a big heart, he did forgive me and I appreciate it a lot, it is a brilliant gesture... still. What he writes now feels like emotional blackmailing or whatever, very unpleasant if it was addressed to me. - This just to explain why I got upset. It has at times been a good relationship, a good friendship, it has opebned my eyes and I am sure it has given a lot to him too but now we are at this stage. Sad. But it is really hard to feel I am dealing wit dishonesty.
Also otherwise it was a difficult day at work, I had really big difficulties concentrating on anything and I was in the end just wishing that the day would be over. I decided to run errands to avoid panic on a later stage of the week and so I went to the pharmacy, post office, and then to buy ice cream. I struggled really a lot to keep myself calm and act normally though I was feeling how panic was rising its head inside of me.
At home I did household chores and got pretty much done. Then I went upstairs to pay some bills online and then I collapsed. I did not find my wallet anywhere, I had obviously left it on the shop where I went for ice cream because when I paid, I had to take bonus card from one wallet, money from another, and still manage the ice cream in my hands when paying and receiving change and I thought afterwards that it must have been too much for my loaded mind which was all the time on the brink of collapsing. I was desperately looking for the wallet, Rikard helped me, and we did not find it. Then came tears and I was sobbing ... why do I have to try to do things when I cannot concentrate and keep my mind clear.... things like that... and I was crying that they could have buroied me at least with the money that could now be gobe forever... Rikard told me not to get despaired and I just said I was despaired already.... I said it had hit me that I am not in a good shape so that I could even survive an operation so I might as well be dead in a few weeks, I might die on the operation table, considering how poorly my lungs work. I was really getting hysterical about it.
All the time I have thought that I need a lot more time for studying the Bible and talking to God. I took the Bible and as Eila had reminded me of what God said to Paul who grumbled - "My grace is enough for you" - I thought I'd start reading Paul's letters,a nd took the letter to the Romans, and read the 1st chapter. I cannot say more here in Internet but if you read it - and consider what had upset me previously that day - was that an asnwer? I have to study it again, with prayer, to find out.
Venla asked me as we were watching TV when I was going to be operated. Then she surprised me by saying that she is willing to go to the hospital to negotiate about my operation time - she was worried it would take too long to get in the operation. "I am very good at negotiating", she said, and gestured how she'd threaten the officials with shotguns. We were both laughing, she is a real clown! :D I did not know she had even listened about what we had talked about my cancer. 15:35
Day 3, Sunday
Seriously wondering if I should go to the doctor because of the bleeding, but decided not to. Rikard even found for me the info about where the ER was that week-end. Postponed the decision so that I would go to see the work place nurse in case the scar would still be bleeding on Monday. Did reasonable household work, surfed quite a lot in the net to collect information, and ordered stuff like books, guides - and a pink scarf. Still managed to keep quite calm. Avoided lifting things, especially with the right hand, in order not to make the scar worse and bleeding more. Spent quite some time reading a book - I am reading Donna Leon's books about crimes in Venice - all fiction but I love the way she describes Venice, that small town, and its people, and I also love the problem-setting there and the social criticism. One book was about illegal sex workers brought to the country from abroad, i.e. human trade. So good it is taken as a subject also in fiction like this.
Went to bed early. I am seriously trying to improve my manners according to how I treat myself. I must listen to my body and give it the rest it needs so that I can go on with life. I am sure I will need all the strength I have in the coming days. It was said on one of the cancer patient sites that I was reading that "You are from now on the most important person in your life." At least on Sunday I believed it and went to bed as early as possible.
Day 2, Saturday
Did not go to work for a vernissage. There were three other people working in there for us, I was not needed and the place - iron mill museum area - is not good for my asthma. Instead, went to the market with Rikard and the girls. Could walk around the market square and all the side streets where there was selling. Felt well except that the breast hurt and the scar was bleeding although I had been told that it would not bleed. It worried me to some extend because I had been told to consult a doctor in case it would start bleeding and I didn't. The day before, I got flowers from Rikard - PINK roses - and he was very worried. It was a very warm-hearted gesture from him and it felt really good, as well as his care too. Rikard and Venla went indoors after a while, I went on searhing with Magdalena and we enjoyed the heat. I enjoyed the crowds too, it felt good to be among other people. Before they went indoors, we had pancakes and juice. I bought several handmade, wooden items for the kitchen, bakery, summer "jewelry" (turquoise which I love, I found a matching necklace for my earrings.) I did not forget the diagnose but I could push it back. I did not weant to think about it. In the afternoon I spent most of the time studying breast cancer and cancer associations in the Internet. Perhaps it was then that I wrote the first notes about my breast cancer on my web pages too. I decided not to keep it secret. I also felt it was better to restrict talking about it on sites where someone would perhaps not like to read about it, so I opened two new sites, FB and Windows Live, to go on writing. I need a diary and a place to vent - and perhaps, if someone wants to know about how things are, it can be found here and I am not throwing things into anyone's face on my regular pages.
July 19th 2010
Diagnosed - Diagnoosi
Pinkkiä fonttia ei ole, joten tämä saa kelvata. Viime torstaina töissä salainen puhelinnumeroni rupesi soimaan. Vastasin. Puhelu tuli Vaasan Mehiläisestä, yksityiseltä lääkäriasemalta, jonne mammografiakuvani olivat menneet seulottavaksi. Jotain oli jäänyt seulaan, minut haluttiin lisätutkimuksiin seuraavaksi päiväksi. Kaikki kiireet jäivät, kirjoitin ajan kalenteriini ja menin Eilan syntymäpäiville. Tuntui siltä että piti nähdä ihmisiä, olla ihmisten keskellä. Eila täytti 59 vuotta. Oli 15.7.2010.
There is no pink font so this must do. Last Thursday at work my phone started ringing and I answered. It was from Mehiläinen, Vaasa, a private hospital where my mammography xrays had been sent to be researched. Something had been found, and they wanted me to come for extra scans and research the very next day. I made a notre in my digital calendar, all my business was wiped away. I ledft for Eila's birthday. I felt I wanted to see people, be among living creatures. Eila celebrated her 59th birthday. It was July 15th, 2010.
Amanuenssi soitteli ja lähetteli tekstiviestejä puoli kahteen saakka yöllä. Aamulla hoidin työasioita, puolilta päivin lähdin Vaasaan. Oikeasta rinnasta otettiin suurennoskuvia. Lääkäri tuli tekemään ultraäänitutkimusta. Sekä kuvissa että ultrassa näkyi noin 5mm x 8 mm kokoinen tumma kohta, jota oli mahdoton tuntea tunnustelemalla. Puudutettiin, otettiin kaksi karkeaneulanäytettä. Itse neulalla sohiminen ei sattunut, mutta näytteenotto sattui kyllä. Minulle kerrottiin, että näyte menee Tampereen yliopistolliseen sairaalaan patologin tutkittavaksi ja lopuulisen vastauksen saaminen kestää 5 - 7 työpäivää. Lääkäri piti syöpädiagnoosia varmana. Sanoi soittavansa minulle kun vastaus tulee, ja lähettävänsä sitten asiakirjat sähköisesti Vaasan keskussairaalaan, jolloin ne ovat perillä saman tien, ja leikkaukseen pitäisi kuulema päästä pian. Hoitaja laastaroi biopsiakohdan. Lähdin kipuineni menemään. Pelkäsin autolla ajoa.
The specialist from the museum called qand sent sms:s till 1:30 a.m. In the morning I organized some work-related things, at noon I heasded to Vaasa. The nurse took magnified x-rays from teh right breast. A doctor made an ultra sound research. Both showed an approximately 5 mm x 8 mm sized dark spot, which was impossible to feel with hands and fingers. Two biopsies wewre taken. Intruding the breast with the nail did not hurt, it was anesthetized, but taking the proof bits did hurt. I was told that the samples would be sent to Tampere University hospital and that the results would come within 5 - 7 working days. The doctor talked right out about cancer, he considered it as a confirmed thing already. He said he'd call me immediately when he goets the results, and they willt hen immediately be passed to the hospital which will operate me - which should also happen some time soon, according tot he doctor. The nurse plastered the biopsy hole. I went out with my hurting breast. I was frightened to drive a car.
Surgery
August the 13th
Surgery
I have been to the hospital today and visited lots of departments there and met many people - the surgeon, the anesthesiolog, some specialized nurses... I have been taken x-rays of, they have done some blood work, I have been to asthma proofs (spirometry) - all things possible that they needed to check before the operation. The operation was scheduled on Aug 26th. The eczem on my skin on the operation area needs to heal first, I have to concentrate on it now.
I was assured by many people that I will be in good hands and that everything will be taken care of. Now I think I know almost too much about it all so that I have started to be scared LOL! The tumor is so small they need the x-ray specialist to put a metal thread around it so the the surgeon will find it suring the surgery.
I am so tired that I cannot write it all now, I will do that later. Just wanted to tell you the most important things first. The doctors were very satisfied with my values and everything.
The weather forecast tells there are more thunder storms on the way this coming week-end. Tomorrow we will visit my husband's aunt and his cousin. It will be lovely.
This Blog Post has been published previously on ugrifenno@hotmail.com on Windows Live. Feel free to add me!
Surgery
I have been to the hospital today and visited lots of departments there and met many people - the surgeon, the anesthesiolog, some specialized nurses... I have been taken x-rays of, they have done some blood work, I have been to asthma proofs (spirometry) - all things possible that they needed to check before the operation. The operation was scheduled on Aug 26th. The eczem on my skin on the operation area needs to heal first, I have to concentrate on it now.
I was assured by many people that I will be in good hands and that everything will be taken care of. Now I think I know almost too much about it all so that I have started to be scared LOL! The tumor is so small they need the x-ray specialist to put a metal thread around it so the the surgeon will find it suring the surgery.
I am so tired that I cannot write it all now, I will do that later. Just wanted to tell you the most important things first. The doctors were very satisfied with my values and everything.
The weather forecast tells there are more thunder storms on the way this coming week-end. Tomorrow we will visit my husband's aunt and his cousin. It will be lovely.
This Blog Post has been published previously on ugrifenno@hotmail.com on Windows Live. Feel free to add me!
The importance of knowing history
The importance of knowing one's history
I am not sure if my eyes healed. They seem to have symptoms still. I should be sleeping already but just a note... telling that I ahve written a speech which I will hold in a home town feast tomorrow. The politiciams want to close our leather museum, and I am startging me speech with a quote: "A nation who is not aware of its history will lose its future."
Just tomorrow - then the busiest time in the year is over and I hope things will be more peaceful. And I will have more time for myself. I will be half-dead after tomorrow but I will recover soon. So far, the home town festival has been a success, in my opinion!
This Blog Post has been published previously on ugrifenno@hotmail.com spaces on Windows Live. Feel free to add me!
I am not sure if my eyes healed. They seem to have symptoms still. I should be sleeping already but just a note... telling that I ahve written a speech which I will hold in a home town feast tomorrow. The politiciams want to close our leather museum, and I am startging me speech with a quote: "A nation who is not aware of its history will lose its future."
Just tomorrow - then the busiest time in the year is over and I hope things will be more peaceful. And I will have more time for myself. I will be half-dead after tomorrow but I will recover soon. So far, the home town festival has been a success, in my opinion!
This Blog Post has been published previously on ugrifenno@hotmail.com spaces on Windows Live. Feel free to add me!
Saldo for this morning
July 28th
Saldo for this morning
Have seen ONE doctor today. He said I have conjuctivitis in my eyes, and gave me antibiotic+cortizine drops for that, then listened to my lungs and said I have bronchitis and gave me antibiotics for that... and I have yet another doctor appointment in the evening. No wonder I have been so weak that my hands and legs are shaking and trembling and I can sleep a whole day!
This Blog Post has been published previously on ugrifenno@hotmail.com space at Windows Live Spaces, feel free to add it!
Saldo for this morning
Have seen ONE doctor today. He said I have conjuctivitis in my eyes, and gave me antibiotic+cortizine drops for that, then listened to my lungs and said I have bronchitis and gave me antibiotics for that... and I have yet another doctor appointment in the evening. No wonder I have been so weak that my hands and legs are shaking and trembling and I can sleep a whole day!
This Blog Post has been published previously on ugrifenno@hotmail.com space at Windows Live Spaces, feel free to add it!
Asthma trouble
July 27th, 2010
Asthma trouble
Had an awful night. It was hot, the air didn't move, and I had continuous asthma attacks and could neither breath nor sleep. Took really a lot of asthma medication and feel awfully weak due to it now. Slept first towards morning when opened windows and doors again after the thunder storm and the air was cool and breathable.
This Blog Post has been published earlier on ugrifenno@hotmail.com space at Windows Live. Feel free to add it!
Asthma trouble
Had an awful night. It was hot, the air didn't move, and I had continuous asthma attacks and could neither breath nor sleep. Took really a lot of asthma medication and feel awfully weak due to it now. Slept first towards morning when opened windows and doors again after the thunder storm and the air was cool and breathable.
This Blog Post has been published earlier on ugrifenno@hotmail.com space at Windows Live. Feel free to add it!
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