Pampering mission

Before bed, I must still tell about the pampering mission for the week, I have just read it from internet from a site of household tasks which I follow - or try to follow. The pampering mission for this week was to wear a nice night gown, or a beautiful one, or a romantic one, and some nice hair accessory too, and heels, when doing the evening routine - cleaning face and neck, moisturizing and doing everything else that means, "I am loving myself and taking good care of me". That had actually never occurred to me - that dressing beautifully and perhaps even wearing heels would make the difference but I think they do. I will try tonight, so maybe I can even get the moisturizing part done properly. Usually I quit. But why not take it as something I am worth, something I have time for, something I enjoy!

Pool gym, hand warmers

So I did not post anything yesterday although I thought it was a significant day. What was nice was that one of the chiefs on our town hall said to me that I run so fast in my Indian poncho that he does not catch me. Means that I have been able to move briskly, which feels great. Often I feel the opposite.

I also went to pool gym which was well done and I am proud of myself. Heard that I have still 8 times already paid for. Even better.

Then I took a few of my brother's "better" clothes to the laundry. They were very dirty after the fire but perhaps, if they can get cleaned, my son can use them and we don't have to invest a fortune in his suit, for example. He now wears his father's wedding suit, which is pretty well his size.

Then I ALSO went to a shop which sells all kinds of medical accessories - eye glasses and much more. I bought a pair of merino- wool gloves that only have half of the fingers part. I am wearing them even now. What is so bad is that I know I have a pair already but I don't know where it is and I have not found it. But it is autumn now and I need them, I am starting to feel sooooooo cold again.

AND still I went to haunt for the "perfect" Bible. It should be like my old ones are, but the newer translation. It should also have space to write notes on beside the text. And I thought I'd find one in the biggest book store in town. But I did not. I got the new translation though. I think I must order one from an association which prints Bibles. I am a member so I can get discount, even. And they are making that kind of Bibles I like to use.

AND I went to the pharmacy to get medication for my blood problem - which seems to be getting better. Only my medication had got old and I had not used it since - now I bought replacement because the product I have been using is no more sold.

All that meant really a lot of walking, according to my standards - and then I was still in a hurry to go to an info to the personnel. We were told we will all l be needed in the future too, whatever the future will be.

I was achy as I don't know what after all that rushing and walking around in the town but I was so proud of myself for finally accomplishing what I have had in mind for weeks. I have had those stinky clothes from the fire in my car for weeks and weeks, waiting for me to take them to the laundry - now they don't stink there any more.

Today, my husband had his car repair work finished, which took him several hours as he had to drive 1,5 hours to the garage, wait there for 1 hour when the car was fixed, and then drive back. It has been raining all day, the weather has been stormy and I have been dreaming of a fireplace. I'd like to sit in front of it and read a book and enjoy the warmth.

Tomorrow, I am going to the theatre with husband. Lovely! We have so little time together, just the two of us. But it is possible to go out sometimes, without the kids, for a few hours. Providing we call home every now and then and chech the blood sugar of our daughter.

A friend of mine had got a virus location put in his chat window - the one where you choose him to receive your IM. I deleted that one and added him again. Just wonder what kind of notes he will get now! I sent an email to him telling what had happened.

The weather affects me so much that I had to change to warm and soft clothes, in addition to wearing those warming gloves. ANd woollen socks but I wear them always, also in the summer. And when we travel south, I still wear them - the floors there are cold!

Now, the Bible reading. Tomorrow I'll go to the district nurse for my 50-year health control.

School photo, pulled-out-teeth

The younger girl had school photo today. She had wanted to go and buy new clothes for the photo, and we did so on Saturday. She is happy of the clothes. Then her hair had to be combed too. I fixed it with loads of hair spray so it would hold. She almost got late to school because she had taken so much time to dress up. I told her NOT to play basket-ball before school photo - she'd ruin her hair setting and perhaps clothes too - so when she came home and did not attend her art class because she had hurt her foot she emphasized that it had happened AFTER the school foto. As if it would have been the most important part of it.

The older girl had dentist early in the morning. Two of her teeth were pulled out so that the others will have space to grow. Her father brought her home. After a while she asked if I could drive her to school. I asked if she was sure, but she said she was. After a couple of hours at school she felt like fainting and wanted to come back home so I went to get her home. Fainty feeling went as the medication stopped functioning, now she feels pretty normal again, some soreness though in the mouth.

It is never dull in a family... not the least possibility to get bored! :)

Unbearbale

This ugly pain is tearing me apart. It seems to be a time of repeated attacks that just get more and more unbearable. I lay down in bed, wrapped in warm, soft clothes and a warm blanket, and the only thing I do is breathe, very carefully - I try not to move a finger so that the pain, the really ugly one, would not realize I am there... of course then there is asthma which forces me to stand up from there and then - all my joints are squeezed and twisted, all my muscles are attacked with nail-filled exploding little suns... Felt awful enough today when I have work but cannot go there... will it be repeated tomorrow? I don't want it.

Today, I still had the strength to say I am fine though achy... but I knew I was on the brink... somewhere near was depression, and still is. I would like to be brave enough though.

Last night, this morning

Last night was a nightmare. My brain stopped working some time during the evening and I forgot to take my Lyrica. My pains have been so immense that my doctor has raised the dose I take to maximum. When I went in bed at night it started - a tear-apart pain which started to crawl everywhere in me. Already when it started I wondered how it has been påossible that I have lived with that kind of a really disturbing pain so that it has not killed me. It has been close enough sometimes but I am still alive. No wonder it has affected my mood and everything so that when I had started using Lyrica and at first all the pain went away a friend of mine said that he does not know what to say to me when I feel fine - he only knows what to say when I don't. Because I had never really felt fine during the past years.

When I had spent enough time on my own and my brain had got some rest it started to work again and I figured out what was happening. Usual pain killers - pretty heavy stuff those ones I call "usual" - cannot take away the pain at all. I had taken those. They work with Lyrica, some, but nothing at all without it. I went downstairs and took the Lyrica - it was in a place where I knew I had not taken it from so I was sure I was not double-dosing. After a while of painful moments in bed I finally caught the sleep - at about half past two or so. My husband was awake every five minutes till one o'clock when it was the last scheduled time to measure our daughter's blood sugar. Though I did both of the measurings! After one o'clock he fell asleep and slept till seven. Not enough at all! I mad him promise he'd control his blood sugar today, before lunch, and two hours after it. That unintended weight loss can be a symptom of diabetes. I want to make sure.

Wooow, a friend is painting!

Must tell something that feels just wonderful! My friend - the one who listened to my grumbling about the magazine - woow he is amazing! Yesterday I wittnessed an incredible all-golden sunrise when driving to work. I stopped and took photos, and mailed him when I got to work. In the evening he said he had been copying them. I did not pay attention - he may copy if he likes, I thought. Today he said he had had a day off and he had taken advantage of it and PAINTED one of those photos (on canvas I suppose), and he said it had felt good. Well I know how it can feel, I suppose, because it has just happened to me and my writing! I am so happy for him! I know he can paint but that he actually does.... wooooooow GREAT!

Colors again - and poems too!

I feel so happy! Somehow .... it is starting to feel somewhat more good than bad, and even a great deal of the time. I have in another blog written about my bother's death. It is still shown in my daily life and it will be so... I think I will never get used to it ... but perhaps I will learn to live with it.

I had been writing poems, earlier... much earlier. Then somehow I just did not write any more. I cannot tell why, but I just wrote what I got paid for. I remember I had a crisis with the home town magazine last year, I am chief-editing it and also write articles to it. There was some sort of crisis and I was afraid I would not get it done by any means. I got wonderful support from my friend who invested a lot of his time listening to me and discussing with me about what was difficult or felt overwhelming in each stadium of the work... and we got it done. Later, when I got paid for it, it did not feel right to keep the entire salary so I wanted to share it with him. I hope God blessed what I did.

But poems, or stories... I did not write at all. Now, when my brother died, I also felt that I lacked words entirely. With FM attacks it happened that I did not have words to tell how I feel or what was going on or what was wrong. It can still happen and it often happens in combination with those attacks. But now it also happened otherwise.

Now I have written poems again. It feels huge. I was writing the entire day yesterday and I felt really good and great and everything... it made me happy... really...
they were not perfect and nothing like that but they were poems... it was a start anyway... also I had started to wear colors on Friday. That felt really wonderful too! After my brother's death, I had been wearing black from tip to toe, and it started to feel suffocating. I was wearing an indian-style poncho, colorful so it made me happy really... and it felt like being able to breathe again, I even wore purple tights.... :D Today, that poncho again, but those tights I had thrown, they were squeezing in the feet part. But oh so happy I was about the colors again!

It may very well be that there are better days and worse days, about how I feel and about my ability to write - but I am not going to worry about that. Things feel good now so I am happy now - what tomorrow will bring will be that day's trouble.

I am worried though, about my husband. He had an infection and although it was treated he has not receovered. He tries to look as usual but I can see through him, and I am worried. He has been putting off weight which is good of course but it has happened all by itself and that is worrying. He has somehow lost his apetite - not good. He sleeps too little - even worse. It can be burn-out too, or stress if it is milder... an overwhelming work load and now all the sorrow we have had, and then all the worries all this has brought, economically and otherwise. Like I said in the other blog, our lives have not been the same after my brother's death - so many things have changed. We have also been forced to do more than before, accomplish more, even physically. He has taken care of the kids alone while I have been to the East to take care of mother, and my brother's things. It is not easy while one has to wake up at nights too to measure one of the girls' blood sugar - she is a diabetic like I have told earlier. He has done everything, all this and lots more, and not grumbled at all. A friend of mine called him saint. Well I think that is close enough! So I am really worried of him. He has not been doing proper shopping anymore - so I went shopping and now we have the things we need - otherwise we'd have run out of toilet paper for example. And bread. And cheese. And so on. I try to do more but then although I feel well and happy and strong so there are limits to what I can take too. Today I was really finished after work, driving the distance, purchasing diesel to the car, shopping, taking care of kid's homework... my brain stopped working.

Now I have put all the family to sleep and as also my husband is already asleep, I can go to sleep myself too. Yesterday he wanted me to come to sleep with him - but then he did not sleep! :D