To My Beloved Little Brother (who died Aug 2008)

You died almost three Christmases ago. I used toi send to you photos of our children - you had saved them all, I found them in your drawer. I used to send to you postcards for your name days, birthdays, Christmases, Easters - you had them all too, I found many in your bookshelf on display.The last birthday card too - for your 42nd birthday.



There was a time when we lived in a same household. When I moved out, we grew apart, but never so much apart anyway - and when we had both settled, I with my family and work and you with your house, lady friends, your fishing, your chess and your work, we grew closer again. You started to sms me, telling about your projects. You were often there with a helping hand but never made a fuss of it. When I got married there was no father anymmore to wish the guests welcome to the wedding, so you did it. You were young, but you did it splendidly. You got the wonderful idea of driving family to my wedding by bus, so everyone who wished could come; and you drove the bus through half Finland, and back. We even got a lift in the bus the next morning when you drove us from the hotel we had all three overnighted in. Brother and sister: both had booked in the same hotel, of course.



When you are gone, there is no one left in this world who would be as much like me as you were.



Things don't go the way we'd like them to. You made your decisions, and I believe it made your life shorter. I did not accept your decisions, and I never will - my damn fool little brother - but I love you, and nothing will ever change that.



After your death, I protected your privacy. I did all I could to hide things that I felt you would have liked to be hidden. I protected your private life from all those curious eyes and ears. Rikard and I went through your house and threw away or took for ourselves much of what we thought belonged to your private life. I saved all that you had written, and I cherish it all now. You were talented (of course you were, my brother!).



You wanted to buy me out of our farm but you never started to talk to me about it. Today I have written the document which will finally make me the only owner of that farm. No one thought it would be so. I did not think about the farm at all before you died.



Recently I saw you in yet another photo which Mo Yee had taken about you and your motor bike. You were 16 when you got the driver's licence for that, and you drove to me to Hämeenlinna - and first recently I heard that mother did not know you were there, visiting me. You always came. You came to check my new jobs, you came to see my new apartments, my new home towns, my boyfriends - and you were there immediately when you heard that I was engaged. You wanted to see that man. You came to see every new baby we got. You were the godfather of our firstborn.



The day before your death you came to pick me up from a hotel where I had come with a group. The previous night, you had been driving around to see where we could park our bus when visiting places in your home town. You gave me your car... we talked about lots of things and it felt close, and I am happy we did. I am forever grateful that it was organised so from above - that if you had to die that way, I had just seen you, and I was there to take care of things, and mother.



I have taken care of everything now. Two years after your death I have cancer and I am fighting for my life. Life is not easy for me. And it is always a bit more lonely when you are not here to share it with me.



I had a dream - that we would grow old, and then, when old, sit in a garden and talk - about our parents, about our childhood, about our illnesses that all old people have. Now I know that there is no one to remember the things I do remember. I have no one to talk about them to. I have no one to compare my memories with.



My sweet, dear little brother - I love you. And I miss you, I really do miss you my fool.



With you, I lost part of my own life.



I have cried a lot today. I miss you so much!