Steroids

Steroids improved my outhaling (PEF) values remarkably although they are still very poor, about 50% of the optimum. But it is better than yesterday's 20 - 25 % which means continuous feeling of suffocating and unability to do anything at all. Had several asthma attacks though. This morning (by 9 a.m. which is the time now) I have already had 3 - 4 attcks. Feel weak, tremble from all medication but am able to breathe. For once I am grateful about steroids. I feel the improvement. I have slept a bit better though not a bit longer... How would life feel with a decent sleep? There are things that confuse me and confuse my husband too but he is a great supporter and encourager. Yesterday I opened one social media site which I had not been using for ages, and I found tens of Christmas and New Year greetings from there - it felt like Christmas once more! I had also received messages, and I have found at least yet one who is praying for me - a total stranger but because he is a Christian, he does not feel like a stranger. During this disease, I have been betrayed and let down by one of my closest friends, and therefore it is comforting to see that God is taking care of me - other old friends are there, and complete strangers are used by God to provide me with prayer support. I am completely dependent on other people's prayers, I feel they are holding me above the surface and I feel every prayer in my being. I was praying, together with a friend, to see what plan God has for me because He has "mislocated" me in a country where I don't survive the outdoor air and weather without special equipment. I was praying for me to see some meaning in getting this seriously ill, weak and helpless. And God is answering: first, to show me that I cannot trust one of my best friends... second, that He is taking care of me in the form of even complete strangers, in addition to true good friends and family. Further, that I must and can rely on other people - something I have never been able to do. And still, that it is only Him I need, He will take care of the rest. God bless you all!

Swine flu, continued

HAd a couple of days tough time. Completely exhausted, had to stay in bed and could not do just anything. Coughed my lungs out. Stayed awake one night due to breathing problems. Had some kind of culmination last night, a sort of a physical feeling added with a thought of the easiness of giving up. I felt that I had come to the point where I could perhaps decide the direction to take: give up and get worse, or reach for overcoming the disease. I have never felt it so clearly before, but this feeling was also physical and it was tangible.

This morning my wonderful husband hugged me and said that I feel better. How did he know, just by hugging me? Blessings of having been married for so long! I love it! Today my temperature has been normal with the strong meds I have. Today I have been sweating every time I do something, eating included. Today I have felt hungry for the first time in days. Today I have been strong enough to take a shower. I have been talking in the phone - part of my voice back, and still coughing my lungs out. Last night I could sleep again. I was woken up by asthma and coughing but it did not make me frightened. I still feel frustrated and useless and I struggle to accept those feelings and the fact that I am useless and can't be anything else right now. I have also felt touched many times today - by kindness and caring. I have heard words that I will treasure in my heart. I have been crying a lot, for all good reasons possible. People talk to me in a kind, soft voice... why, actually? Do I feel and look so ill really? But this is a tough disease. I wish I will overcome it without any further harm. There are people who pray for me - and that touches my heart really a lot.

Severe flare

I have been back to work this week. It was a complete chaos there. It seems no one of my employees can behave if I am not there and it feels hard. Both that work full time had created enough problems... I try to see it is their problems, and not to involve myself. Still it was hard to bear, mentally.

Today is Saturday, it is week-end and I have been counting days to it. It has been an awful day. I was yelling all around (haha, I can't behave either) and did not know why, until I started to get achy and stiff... Have been rebooting the washing machine all day and there is no end to it in sight. Did some minor organizing and dusting and a lot of folding laundry... and now I am so much in pain that it is unbearable. My God... I did not remember it was like this. I have been too busy or too exhausted to post anything on my blog this past week although there'd have been lots of positive things to post - and now it is like this, I have only negative things to tell.

Something like a miracle happened too. I got a phone call from my mother, she told me to call someone who was worried about my late brother's house being torn by vandalists. I did call him, and he asked if he could go and fix the door which has been damaged, and even more - if his son could go and cut the grass that was growing wild there, definitely showing everyone that the place was not inhabited. What was even more, he said he'd be interested in buying it. It is amazing. It is not even for sale yet, and we already have two potential buyers interested in it. Because another person is too. She has been fooling me though, not giving the right information about things, hiding this and that and not keeping what has been agreed upon... I don't like such behavior. She thinks that because I am not from the area, she can tell me what she pleases. Last time she tried to make me believe that no one else would be interested in the house, that it would not be so very expensive because of the neighbors (!) - well I know something else. Also my instinct has been right about her all the time, I can see it now.

Last Sunday at church, all the texts were about healing. It was very comforting. Also a sister said, almost a year ago, that I needed not worry about finances, according to my late brother's belongings, that God already had a solution. Now I see light, for the first time after his death. Maybe it is not so hopeless anyway. That sister was sure of a solution after she had praid. She was a total stranger to me but I remember this.

By dinner, I took all the pain killers I had. Now it is starting to feel a bit easier. I hope there will be a relief tonight. It was starting to feel so bad that I was not sure if I could make it. I have been really off the rail today. It is not a good feeling.

I am sorry it is so dark today for me. I hope and believe you are having it easier.