Facing the fears, and being happy

Phew! Have been cooking and baking most of the day and have surely overdone it but I have also had wonderful time and once again seen what an amazing family I have and how well it works together! I feel so entirely happy... I have enjoyed the whole day, and especially I have been happy to meet friends and our godson who drove this way on their way home from Lapland.

I have been going on in my thinking about isolating... sometimes, maybe very often, I am indeed too tired to talk to anyone, and sometimes, maybe really very often indeed, I wish I will meet nobody who wants someting from me... but... there is a but indeed...

I love to be needed. And I do need my friends. I love my friends and I miss them even if it is me who is staying away from contacts. And I am still, still truly happy when I meet someone and can have a good talk like tonight. I was even beforehand happy to know we'd meet them, and I am still happy to have met them... it means really a lot.

It is not easy to be a friend to someone who has cancer. Many people, also my friends, are afraid of the disease, and I know many of them have had to face their own fears to be able to stay in touch with me. To many, cancer has till now meant death and loss. A few have lost their parents to cancer. True - I may die of cancer but I am not dying just yet. I may even get well, actually chances are quite big I am getting well. Anyway, I am living in this moment now, and I cannot know of the future. I wish my friends would not try to, either. We have this day together, it is now that we have each other - let us enjoy it now when it is possible, and not worry about the future.

I also know that I am a creature made by God. I cannot tell Him He has made something wrong when creating me. If someone tells otherwise, s/he must be wiser than God is. So I just have to accept myself the way I am - incomplete, unperfect and whatever. I am good that way and I can be happy and proud of myself even though I am not complete. It is being merciful to myself (and I still have to learn a lot about it).

I am happy I am me, and I am happy my family and friends are the wonderful persons they are, I am really privileged in that sense. I am also so proud of my friends, especially those who have dealt with their own fears to be able to stay in touch - I appreciate it more than I can say.