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Friday, September 14, 2012

Kuvaverkko arkistosta


Sunday, March 6, 2011


Went to an old Facebook site of mine. Funny, sad feeling... it is history, those people there belong like to another world. And this site: I feel sad having had to remove a few people because of bad behavior but I feel it was the right thing to do... feel sad only because I had to go through that. -I'm sad also because I have severe difficulties in learning and I wonder if it is due to mental stress or if I have really become so dull... will my brain be the same as it was one day or will I remain like this?

I have had a few severe conflicts with people which I think are due to my reduced capacity to communicate. I get tired easily but I don't notice it... I want to say things but I don't find words... I overreact... I get frustrated with my inability to deal with situations and it makes me angry... and so on... I feel lost. Communication seems like an endless source of diverse clues and hints which all I should notice and follow, and I feel I can't separate them from each other and mostly I don't notice anything at all, don't find the right words, don't even know what to say... and I feel I am utterly careful in trying not to cause conflicts or problems or behave in an unfriendly way - which I don't mean to but whcih can be misunderstood...

I think I have been really down after Ritva's pass-away. I tried to take it like, death belongs to life, it happens... but I can't. It came closer than I could think of. I am not worried of myself but it just feels so odd that over and over again I am left here, I am still alive and people around me pass away, one after another... and I am here although I feel so useless... like, what use am I now for anyone when I feel I am just a burden - and try all I can not to be a burden. I see the presence of death in people's reactions although they are positive and feel good to me - I realize people are saying and doing things they want to say and do when I am still alive and it is okey... it brings the death there so that it is present all the time. As it is too, in reality, of course - because death is part of life.

Early diagnosing is essential in breast cancer - help women get diagnosed!

Wednesday Feb 23rd, 2011

Thanks everyone, you are such wonderful people - I am astonished and surprised by the lots of encouragement and positive feedback.... thank you....

When I was diagnosed with breast cancer, I wanted to know everything - I read books, I collected info, I wanted to know... how others had made it.... I read wonderful books and also remembered what a couple of my friends and school mates had told about their breast cancer and everything else I had heard.

One of my school mates had documented her breast cancer with photographs and I thought it was a good idea since within time, I might forget... so I started to do it too, and it is all over on this site, not just in those "breast" photos. It is hair loss, tiredness, whatever... my whole life such as it is now.

I also read a book about breast cancer survivors who climbed a mountain as a team in South America. When they arrived in the country, they got very popular because in that country the disease was a taboo and it was not talked about loud, but they did talk about it. In the press confrerences that were arranged for them , they could be asked for example if their husbands had left them already.

A friend of mine told me that in many countries in for example Africa breast cancer is a major killer among women because it is diagnosed too late. A very dear friend of mine lost his mother I think just that way - for too late diagnosing perhaps. I know how it hurts him and it hurts me as badly.

All these things come very near in this globalized world. I cannot do much right now but if there is one little thing I can do to spread knowlege and to change the attitude and to have an influence on earlier diagnosing on if not more than for one woman in this world so I will do it. Seeing things as they are can make things easier and less frightening for someone, be it a woman or her husband, her children. or whoever.

However, this is just one (very lucky) story. There are more than 200 different forms of breast cancer. Mine was one of the most evil ones, and see - here I am, and everything has gone really well, even if also the prognosis was a bit positive due to early discovery. A few square-cm of bare skin on show is a cheap price for that. People show a lot more in swim suits and bikini, LOL!

Starting with the radio therapy

Thursday, Feb 17th, 2011

We have had very cold weather here lately, and with the exception of today and maybe tomorrow, it will also stay cold. Now we have "only" -16 degrees C, but there have been mornings when we have woken up to -29, and it has been +15 indoors - a bit chilly. But it is a great thing that the sun is already shining at daytime, so we have plenty of light - it all reflects from the white snow - instead of the continuous darkness and half-darkness which we have been having when the sun did not rise, or it stayed up for just a short while.

I was out-doors a while ago, I fixed the bird-feeder. Luckily, I could work with bare hands because it was so "warm" and there was no wind to make it chillier. It would have been difficult wearing gloves. I had to hang the feeder again, and I had to change some parts, but now it is okey and the birds can use it again - and they seem to have found it already. I am so used in them flying up and down in the tree which is in front of my window - the feeder is under the tree. They are wild birds - those that are seed-eaters and don't migrate to the south for winter but stay here. We help them survive by feeding them, quite many do so, and ornitologists say many of them would have to migrate without the feeding - or they would not survive.

I started the radio therapy today. Had to wake up at 5 a.m. because my appointment was at 9 in Vaasa Central Hospital, which is 100 km away, and I am never very quick in the mornings: asthma gets as worst precisely in the morning and slows down everything I do, and so does rheuma. But now it seemed I had plenty of time and I was in time in the hospital too, and I was back home at 11 already. Anyway, it takes 4 hours to get a 5 min. treatment.... a bit funny..... it is very technical and I don't really know much of anything about it. I was told today that the team of doctors, physicians, and whatever, had decided to give me the maximum treatment (the tumor was of the most dangerous and fast-spreading type) so I will go there every weekday (from Monday to Friday) till the end of March. And if nothing else comes out, that will be it then. After that, I suppose I will have some checks for some years, and they may want to take more mammographs than that usual every-two-years (I want to, anyway!) , and I will be on alert, more or less, the rest of my life, but it will not affect my life more than so. After all, who of us knows anything about the future? The prognosis is very good anyway. And I think I am so scanned inside and out that if there'd have been something, they'd have found it. And after all - I feel calm. It is not in my hands, not in the doctors' hands, but in God's hands, and I trust Him and His plan.

The mother of my friend was diagnosed at the same time as I was, and she also had her surgery at the same time, only in a different hospital. I heard last week that her cancar had spread, they had now found something and she had to go to further scans or whatever. My friend also told me before that she had not recovered very well from the surgery. Maybe the new tumor was the reasion which kept her from recovering. And also, she is of course a lot older than I am. The only thing that slows down my recovery is asthma, I wish it would settle down finally.And I sincerely hope all will be fine with my friend's mother too.

My best Finnish girl friend is changing jobs and moving really far from us, to Rovaniemi in the north - it is the capital of Lapland. I wish she will enjoy her new job and her new surroundings, but I will miss her! Luckily, there is all this modern technology to help us keep in touch, and I wish I or we (family) can visit her next summer. It is almost 700 km from here to Rovaniemi and it takes approximately 8 hours to drive - more than so because one must take pauses too. She will actually have someone to drive her things, and she will put her car and herself in a night train and sleep while the train will take her through Finland - very comfortable, and very sensible!

Now I think I must have a nap. That early wake-up seems to feel. And there is still the language lesson in the evening!

Counting my blessings

Monday Jan 31st, 2011

It is a spring-like day again and I am counting my blessings with a huge gratutude in mind. I am recovering from an agressive breast cancer and I have 10 days free before any scheduled appointment. It feels great - huuuuge - to be free from the 3-week-cyto-cycle which I have been bound to ever since I recovered from the surgery. Time for prayer, Bible-reading, walks with God... luxury.

In the morning, at breakfast, I was caught by a darling friend's chat messages because I had the chat open in my Android (cell phone), what a beautiful way to start a day! Thank you Mo Yee!

I feel privileged, looking at Mohammed's photos and videos from Ethiopia - the country with one of the oldest Christian traditions, a place that I have never been able to visit myself but which I can now see in his photos and videos. What a blessing!

I feel blessed by Rafik's postings about Tunisia - how much more it is than just an outside view, and I am also blessed for seeing him so active, for once. Never seen him study and analyze and post so much, and I feel happy for him that all this happened, is going on, and will lead to the best possible solution. It seems to me that he is in the right place right now, doing what he is supposed to do, doing his part in the revolution - and it makes me happy and feel blessed too. He is so good in writing and so good with the Internet, now he can use what he is good at, for the benefit of his country. I feel overly happy for him.

I feel overly blessed by Magdalena's baking. She made so delicious rolls yesterday that we ate them all direct from the oven - and how delicious they were! I am grateful for having food to eat, and overly grateful for it being so tasty and healthy! I am happy food is bringing joy in my life after all feeling-sick these past months! I am happy we will go out for lunch to celebrate my recovery from the last cyto treatment with my husband, that we have a lunch date this week!

I am happy to know that I have married the most wonderful man in this world, and I feel privileged that I can devote my life in making him happy. I could not imagine anything better!

I am happy of my smart children who fill my days with joy more than with anything else. I am happy I have learned that illness can be a blessing. I am happy I have learned how much support means, and how easy it is to support other people. It does not take much - just the will to be there and to support - the rest will make its way.

I am happy of my little Moroccan brother - God took away one little brother and gave another - it feels just incredible to learn to know his family too. I never imagined anything like that!

I am grateful of this grateful mind, because it is not my creation but God's. I could be sour as well, dissatisfied, angry, bitter - I feel so blessed that for now, thanks to God, I don't have these feelings! It feels good to be happy, and it feels good to be happy for others!

I am so happy too that I have all this time for myself, for resting, for motioning, for taking it easy. I think it has saved my life.

Mo Yee's rash, Cynthia's asthma - I have already got answers to prayers this morning and it is only 10 a.m. What an overflow of blessings we have, only we get eyes to see them!

My wish is to bless others today. I don't know how but I am sure I will be shown the way.

God bless you all! I love you!

Spring in the air!

Sunday Jan 30th, 2011

Have you noticed? It is some spring in the air today (or have I just woken up from cyto-coma, LOL). The light looks spring-like, bird-song has something of spring in it, and also other noices sound a bit more like spring. Like, car tyres crashing the ice on the street while they go... Funny, it is actually not even February yet... a bit early for spring feelings, but I have been dusting and having the window open and enjoying because I am not freezing... and throwing away quite an amount of paper. There is lots of that sort of thing to do and there is still a limit of what I can do... but at least I will not be getting worse anymore (because there will not be any more cytostates for me for the time being, and I indeed hope never... )

I bought a Bookeen e-book reader for myself, and as it turned out that dear husband started to use it more than I did, I gave him an own one for Christmas. Now I must check if the books I want to read are available in e-books too - we don't have room for one more traditional book anymore but I am still buying them. Mostly such ones that are not available in an e-book form yet. Or then I don't find the e-book versions, which will annoy me later. Reading an e-book is a much lighter job than reading a normal, traditional book - it is not as heavy so it is easier for my rheumatic hands to hold and I like that very much!

I did the right thing when I added on my cortizone dose from 20 mg to 40 mg daily. My outhaling values (Peak Flow) have risen and I feel better, and breathing is not prohibiting me from doing things anymore. I cannot do whatever but I hope it is getting better. Also the weather has been favorable: not so cold and dry anymore! And I have been able to sleep enough! All important things!

Wooow, things could be better but I feel happy with them as they are now - it is much better anyway than it has been for months! And I hope and believe they are getting even better!

I love you!

Sunday, January 2, 2011

Facing the fears, and being happy

Phew! Have been cooking and baking most of the day and have surely overdone it but I have also had wonderful time and once again seen what an amazing family I have and how well it works together! I feel so entirely happy... I have enjoyed the whole day, and especially I have been happy to meet friends and our godson who drove this way on their way home from Lapland.

I have been going on in my thinking about isolating... sometimes, maybe very often, I am indeed too tired to talk to anyone, and sometimes, maybe really very often indeed, I wish I will meet nobody who wants someting from me... but... there is a but indeed...

I love to be needed. And I do need my friends. I love my friends and I miss them even if it is me who is staying away from contacts. And I am still, still truly happy when I meet someone and can have a good talk like tonight. I was even beforehand happy to know we'd meet them, and I am still happy to have met them... it means really a lot.

It is not easy to be a friend to someone who has cancer. Many people, also my friends, are afraid of the disease, and I know many of them have had to face their own fears to be able to stay in touch with me. To many, cancer has till now meant death and loss. A few have lost their parents to cancer. True - I may die of cancer but I am not dying just yet. I may even get well, actually chances are quite big I am getting well. Anyway, I am living in this moment now, and I cannot know of the future. I wish my friends would not try to, either. We have this day together, it is now that we have each other - let us enjoy it now when it is possible, and not worry about the future.

I also know that I am a creature made by God. I cannot tell Him He has made something wrong when creating me. If someone tells otherwise, s/he must be wiser than God is. So I just have to accept myself the way I am - incomplete, unperfect and whatever. I am good that way and I can be happy and proud of myself even though I am not complete. It is being merciful to myself (and I still have to learn a lot about it).

I am happy I am me, and I am happy my family and friends are the wonderful persons they are, I am really privileged in that sense. I am also so proud of my friends, especially those who have dealt with their own fears to be able to stay in touch - I appreciate it more than I can say.