Down

Went to an old Facebook site of mine. Funny, sad feeling... it is history, those people there belong like to another world. And this site: I feel sad having had to remove a few people because of bad behavior but I feel it was the right thing to do... feel sad only because I had to go through that. -I'm sad also because I have severe difficulties in learning and I wonder if it is due to mental stress or if I have really become so dull... will my brain be the same as it was one day or will I remain like this?



I have had a few severe conflicts with people which I think are due to my reduced capacity to communicate. I get tired easily but I don't notice it... I want to say things but I don't find words... I overreact... I get frustrated with my inability to deal with situations and it makes me angry... and so on... I feel lost. Communication seems like an endless source of diverse clues and hints which all I should notice and follow, and I feel I can't separate them from each other and mostly I don't notice anything at all, don't find the right words, don't even know what to say... and I feel I am utterly careful in trying not to cause conflicts or problems or behave in an unfriendly way - which I don't mean to but whcih can be misunderstood...



I think I have been really down after Ritva's pass-away. I tried to take it like, death belongs to life, it happens... but I can't. It came closer than I could think of. I am not worried of myself but it just feels so odd that over and over again I am left here, I am still alive and people around me pass away, one after another... and I am here although I feel so useless... like, what use am I now for anyone when I feel I am just a burden - and try all I can not to be a burden. I see the presence of death in people's reactions although they are positive and feel good to me - I realize people are saying and doing things they want to say and do when I am still alive and it is okey... it brings the death there so that it is present all the time. As it is too, in reality, of course - because death is part of life.