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Not indeed a good day. Positive:; Took some photos and I like them. Unfortunatelly, I cannpt upload any of them here anymore since I am over my quota here, according to uploaded photos. Visit my Windows Live Spaces at
http://cid-0ad0877f4496c62d.skydrive.live.com/albums.aspx
to see them.
Painful, painful day. I am completely exhausted by the pain.
Saturday, October 31, 2009
Friday, October 30, 2009
GOOD NEWS EVERYONE!
GOOD NEWS EVERYONE
This is good news to all of you who have been following our struggle with our youngest daughter's blood glucose. She is a diabetic and we got alerted when the possibility of insulin resistence was mentioned during her last visit to the diabetes clinic. As the other possibility was puberty and hormones messing up with insulin, we have now been using more insulin than the actual per weight amount would be - about 20 - 30 % more. Also our little one (12 years and 3 days) has got alerted because she knows very well what insulin resistence means, and she has been very strict and careful in all measuring and remembering her insulin times and such. We still fail to get her blood glucose down enough at night time but at daytime it is good with this bigger dose of insulin. She also feels seemingly better. It feels very touching to see it. Thanks God, it was not insulin resistence. I feel so happy, and also so relieved. Thank you all for your prayers! You are treasures! God bless you!
This is good news to all of you who have been following our struggle with our youngest daughter's blood glucose. She is a diabetic and we got alerted when the possibility of insulin resistence was mentioned during her last visit to the diabetes clinic. As the other possibility was puberty and hormones messing up with insulin, we have now been using more insulin than the actual per weight amount would be - about 20 - 30 % more. Also our little one (12 years and 3 days) has got alerted because she knows very well what insulin resistence means, and she has been very strict and careful in all measuring and remembering her insulin times and such. We still fail to get her blood glucose down enough at night time but at daytime it is good with this bigger dose of insulin. She also feels seemingly better. It feels very touching to see it. Thanks God, it was not insulin resistence. I feel so happy, and also so relieved. Thank you all for your prayers! You are treasures! God bless you!
Abnormally high blood sugar values at night
We still fail to have normal blood glucose values for our daughter at night. This night's and morning's values were between 11 and 13 - normal would be 4 to 8.
Another daughter stays at home today, stomach disease.
Another daughter stays at home today, stomach disease.
Thursday, October 29, 2009
Problematic diabetes
Our daughter's diabetes is not in balance, the state is very serious. I feel more worried than I can tell. We're doing all we can... the terrible words "insulin resistence" were mentioned and if it is that... Please pray that it is not!
I, on the other hand, had too low blood glucose in the morning and I was shaking till I had coffee bread & chokolate on coffee break. Scary!
It is scary because I did not realize what was wrong, thought I was getting ill because it started when I went to shower and the shower room and sauna were unheated and I felt soooo cold there... I kept shaking all over ever since. It was blood sugar though because it stopped with those sweet treats.
I, on the other hand, had too low blood glucose in the morning and I was shaking till I had coffee bread & chokolate on coffee break. Scary!
It is scary because I did not realize what was wrong, thought I was getting ill because it started when I went to shower and the shower room and sauna were unheated and I felt soooo cold there... I kept shaking all over ever since. It was blood sugar though because it stopped with those sweet treats.
Saturday, October 24, 2009
Valuable suffering
When we think of pain, and other suffering, we tend to think that it should be eliminated. That it is not really life but something extra that does not belong to life at all. And that we would be better off, life would be better, we would be happier without it. Right?
Wrong. Suffering is part of life. Suffering is a VALUABLE part of life. I am now talking about merely suffering which is caused by illness... for simplicity, I exclude all suffering which is caused by inhuman actions against our fellow human beings, violence in its every aspect, be it how small or how big ever, and be it physical, or mental.
We tend to think that if we suffer, we are not whole human beings. We think that suffering makes us less valuable. This is how much we adore things like health, youth, sanity. Like nazis. Our way to think about suffering resembles of discrimination nazis used in their Reich. Our adoring youth, health, painfree being - is what nazis did too.
I must be working on this thought to make it real in my own life and in my own attitude. Less suffering is perhaps an easier way to live but it is not a more valuable way to live. That I am often in pain does not mean that my life is not valuable. Or that it is not as real, or as much life, as it would be without pain. Pain causes suffering. Sometimes it causes more suffering than I think I can take. Still, those painfilled moments are precisely as valuable as painfree moments. They are as much life. They are as valuable part of life. I am as valuable in those moments than I am in any other moment. Life is as much worth while on those moments as it is when it is easier.
Even being disabled (in my case) by pain, physically, or by brain fog, mentally, is a valuable part of my life. When I think back of the moments of disability and those people who have wittnessed it and their reactions - to see how great people they are, how well they take it, how equal to themselves they talk to me, how loving, caring and kind they are, to know that my life and I have been blessed by these truly great people - it is worth all suffering. Compared to that, suffering means nothing at all. Seen in this context, suffering becomes a thing that makes life rich. I could have found out the greatness of all those peole also otherwise, but I am not so sure about it. Suffering has been a blessing. It will continue to be so.
I am not saying that life with suffering is MORE valuable than life without suffering. It is still allowed and possible to pray for relief. Relief is a good thing. But if there is no relief, life is still good, I am still alive, I am still a feeling human being, I am still the same me than I am without pain. When I talk about pain, I am not talking about it as something apart from my life. I am talking about my life, such as it is. Sometimes pain is all I can talk about because it is so overwhelming. Sometimes I can talk about other things too.
Pain and suffering is not the only thing that matters in my life either, and getting painfreee is not the only need I have. I have the same basic needs that everybody has: I need love, care, affection, acceptance, I need to be fed, I need to be sexually satisfied, I need food for thought, I need faith, I need good friends, my family, work, hobbies... and I need to talk about all things in life although in my case pain is what is the most dominating thing very often. It does not exclude all other things though.
It is perhaps easier to show love and caring by wishing that I was painfree, that I was well. It is more demanding to show love and caring knowing and accepting that I will never be any better but that I can get worse. This is as much true for myself as it is for my near ones.
To accept suffering as a valuable, good part of life, something that is worth while and that makes life rich, is perhaps a lifetime task for me and my dear ones. But even the learning process can be a blessing. I have the feeling that many of my loved ones are a lot ahead of me in that process. I have the feeling that many times they love me more than I love myself.
Wrong. Suffering is part of life. Suffering is a VALUABLE part of life. I am now talking about merely suffering which is caused by illness... for simplicity, I exclude all suffering which is caused by inhuman actions against our fellow human beings, violence in its every aspect, be it how small or how big ever, and be it physical, or mental.
We tend to think that if we suffer, we are not whole human beings. We think that suffering makes us less valuable. This is how much we adore things like health, youth, sanity. Like nazis. Our way to think about suffering resembles of discrimination nazis used in their Reich. Our adoring youth, health, painfree being - is what nazis did too.
I must be working on this thought to make it real in my own life and in my own attitude. Less suffering is perhaps an easier way to live but it is not a more valuable way to live. That I am often in pain does not mean that my life is not valuable. Or that it is not as real, or as much life, as it would be without pain. Pain causes suffering. Sometimes it causes more suffering than I think I can take. Still, those painfilled moments are precisely as valuable as painfree moments. They are as much life. They are as valuable part of life. I am as valuable in those moments than I am in any other moment. Life is as much worth while on those moments as it is when it is easier.
Even being disabled (in my case) by pain, physically, or by brain fog, mentally, is a valuable part of my life. When I think back of the moments of disability and those people who have wittnessed it and their reactions - to see how great people they are, how well they take it, how equal to themselves they talk to me, how loving, caring and kind they are, to know that my life and I have been blessed by these truly great people - it is worth all suffering. Compared to that, suffering means nothing at all. Seen in this context, suffering becomes a thing that makes life rich. I could have found out the greatness of all those peole also otherwise, but I am not so sure about it. Suffering has been a blessing. It will continue to be so.
I am not saying that life with suffering is MORE valuable than life without suffering. It is still allowed and possible to pray for relief. Relief is a good thing. But if there is no relief, life is still good, I am still alive, I am still a feeling human being, I am still the same me than I am without pain. When I talk about pain, I am not talking about it as something apart from my life. I am talking about my life, such as it is. Sometimes pain is all I can talk about because it is so overwhelming. Sometimes I can talk about other things too.
Pain and suffering is not the only thing that matters in my life either, and getting painfreee is not the only need I have. I have the same basic needs that everybody has: I need love, care, affection, acceptance, I need to be fed, I need to be sexually satisfied, I need food for thought, I need faith, I need good friends, my family, work, hobbies... and I need to talk about all things in life although in my case pain is what is the most dominating thing very often. It does not exclude all other things though.
It is perhaps easier to show love and caring by wishing that I was painfree, that I was well. It is more demanding to show love and caring knowing and accepting that I will never be any better but that I can get worse. This is as much true for myself as it is for my near ones.
To accept suffering as a valuable, good part of life, something that is worth while and that makes life rich, is perhaps a lifetime task for me and my dear ones. But even the learning process can be a blessing. I have the feeling that many of my loved ones are a lot ahead of me in that process. I have the feeling that many times they love me more than I love myself.
Monday, October 19, 2009
An angry and human medical experiment "rabbit"
I feel like a rabbit in medical experiments. I am really really frustrated. All else is in control but pain is ruining my life, my health, whatever. Last drop has been this experiment with Lyrica. It was about to take my life. I have been suffering for an entire year about severe consequences which we now think have been a complication caused by this medicine. Some of them have been listed in the "official" side effects but some are surprising. Anyway I am the one who takes it all, it is my body they are messing up, it is me..... indeed me..... who am now struggling with everything I have to fix after that..... I am so angry.... I am so frustrated.... This disease has robbed me of my self-control and my dignity... it has made me submit to all these tests and all experimenting with medication.... it has made me take life-threatening meds because in the end, when it gets really bad, I cannot take it and I don't really care much what the relief is only it comes. I had to do something and I have no boxing bag to deal with my aggressions, so I have been screaming... really screaming aloud when I came home, and then I started to make a collage about my ekg... a perfectly healthy one but also that, and x-rays, and heaven knows what more, were taken to find out if I had heart failure... I cannot describe my feelings.... good of course that nothing is wrong and a real miracle that I have even managed to heal from something here in between, while all this mess has been going on in my body... ohhhhh shit I hate this all, I really do....
Thursday, October 15, 2009
Wonderful news!
The house of my brother - the one which has been damaged by fire and lots of water by the fire brigade - had been for sale for just a couple of days, and it is already sold. It means that my nightmare which has been going on ever since my brother was killed in the fire for more than a year ago is completely over, forever. We still have the farm, all his debts are paid, all payments from the insurance company have arrived, and now even the house is sold. I am so happy and grateful. It feels so good, a real luxury, to start living my own usual everyday life again. I cannot thank God enough for that. And I cannot thank my family and my wonderful friends enough for all support and help I have got. Even knowing I had made it, I had saved the farm, made me feel so relieved that there suddenly was space for passionate feelings about job-related things - it felt good. So much goodness and kindness and love and caring as I have received these past days feels just incredible.
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