Happy New Year

Health, peace, happiness and prosperity for the coming year to all of you who want to own it. Happy New Year!

Buried in snow

I look out of the window in the blue morning - and all I see is the huge maple thickly covered with snow. All is completely still, lots of snow all over. Makes me feel unrealistically that this is magic and that I may have been really buried in the snow like in fairytales, sleeping under the snow blanket till spring - see you next spring...

Back to work, day 3

First day, felt quite well rested and worked full day. Insane weather to drive.

Day 2, fell asleep at least three times when driving to work, insanely tired, worked half day and quitted. Exhausted at home.

Day 3:

Blood pressure sky-rocketed and my husband told me to stay at home and not drive while a) continuously falling asleep when driving and b) having the highest blood pressure ever measured. So I am cleaning my work mail box which I have not opened for one month and which is filled with all kinds of messages - can do it better at home than at work where I am all the time interrupted. Would be quiet days in the office though. Got an appointment scheduled to my doctor on the 4th of January, i.e. immediately after New Year, which is good. - Lungs still on half capacity and asthma keeping me awake from (too) early morning. Miettii

I slept about 4 to 5 hours last night. I have made sleeping a priority so I finished all activities by 10 p.m. and went to bed. It took about 3 to 4 hours before I could fall asleep because I had pains and aches all over due to "fibro" and I just could not sleep or even stay in bed all the time due to them. I could not ease them either, all medication I can take was already taken and nothing else seemed to work either. I did not wake up too early due to asthma though like I use to do. Anyway since I am continuously sleep-deprived, I found myself at least three times falling asleep when I was driving. Twice I was about to drive off the road, and at least once I found myself on the opposite lane. Of course the weather is also at its most interesting these days and I was driving to work in a snow storm. Had the first attack of asthma already when walking to the car at home; the second one when almost at work but driving still. This is not going to be a long day at work, I already feel really exhausted due to those attacks so that my hands are shaking. But I must wait till lunch hour so that I can eat before I go. - Bought a new PEF meter yesterday because my old one got broken. Measured this morning: my lungs work on half capacity. That is not really a lot. Now lunch, then back home.

Having to collect myself... again...

When I think of today... having to drive to the Central hospital, having to go to a place called the department of clinical neurophysiology... having to carry taped-in and plugged-in monitors day and night, monitoring everything I do, every breath I take, amount of oxygen I have in the blood, just every single thing.... having to use the heater for inhaled air whenever I get out of the door because otherwise the cold weather will make me suffocate... I just feel so disabled and so down that I cannot describe it. This is my home country and I love it... and I need all those damn equipments to survive here... I look out of the window and see a wonderful winter landscape and I cannot understand that it is simply deadly to me... this is not fair... I feel I cannot collect myself and be brave, yet another time, yet today... just over and over again.... goodness, will this never stop? How far down must I go before it will be enough? Why do I even now have to think that I don't have the right to feel down because things could always be really a lot worse? I know feelings are not good or bad, they are just feelings, they just are what they are - and still I feel I should not feel down or depressed or useless, I should be brave and feel gratitude of all things that are good in my life... of course they are many.... still the first and foremost feelings are those of depression, uselessness, guilt... and I am really afraid because I feel I cannot stand to be connected to those monitors without bursting into tears. Every single thing about health - or sickness - issues feels so humiliating nowadays, like depriving me of my dignity, really all of it...

Goodness... where do I take the strength now? I don't want to show how down I really am, I don't want to burst into tears in the hospital... I think I am really afraid too.

My late father's birthday

It is my late father's birthday today. He would have been 81 if he had lived. He died 29 years ago... I still love him. Thinking of him today just brings tears in my eyes.

To the hospital

Today to the Central Hospital for further searching of additional diseases... ... what a life ...... ....... .... life ---- ???

Too cold for me to breathe

It is -24 C and it makes me cry because I can't breathe in such a coldness. My heater for inhaled air has arrived to post office though. #asthma

Happy Islamic New Year!

To whom it may concern: Today is the Islamic New Year Day 1431 A.H. - so, Happy Islamic New Year!

Awarded for long service

I was awarded yesterday in a Celebration of Work by my employer for having served the same employer for 25 years. I was not alone: we were 200: 70 were honoured for 30 years' service and 130 for 20 and 25 years service. It makes 33 % of the total amount of employees. Huge! Just thinking about so much skill and knowlege...

INDEPENDENCE DAY 2009_12_06

92 years of independence: CONGRATULATIONS, FINLAND!

In the sanatorium due to asthma

I have driven 400 km north from where I live and I am currently in Oulu, in a sanatorium (or rehabilitating institute as the modern term is I think). I arrived on Tuesday for a two weeks' stay in order to get my asthma in balance again. It will take a lot more than two weeks - but at least to get the process started. Today I have seen the doctor and he has told me what I already knew: my asthma is completely out of balance. I have difficulties in walking, talking, just everything. This is not really good news, I know and I am sorry. Now I am on steroids again, and quite a heavy dose too. We are a group of 6 and the group is very supportive. When I told them that the doctor had forbidden all motioning for me, they said they would not have taken me with them motioning anyway. LOL! Tomorrow I will see the nurse and the physiotherapist. I am completely exhausted even after today though I only had two group meetings and then the appointment to the doctor who examined me. It is only 300 - 400 meters to the island where all the doctors, nurses and meeting rooms are but it takes me an eternity to walk there, and every walk means an asthma attack.