Asthma gets nasty

I have suffered the one-week-long post-treatment blues with sick feeling, head ache, odd feelings here and there, digestive discomforts and so on. Today I felt well and thought it would be a perfect day for a walk since I have developed an obsession for fresh air although I am not very skilled or in a very good condition.



SO I went out. It has started to snow, and after ca 50 meters I started to feel really odd in my head. It was something that made me think that I will fall unconscious pretty soon. But I didn't turn back, I went on. In the next street corner I was coughing my lungs out. I had to stop to cough, and stop again, and again, and nothing helped. I realized my asthma medicin was at home and not with me. But I did not turn back, I just went on walking. In the next corner, I decided to turn back, and I was considering calling my husband so that he'd come and drive me home. It just felt too ridiculous since I was not even far away from home - just that getting back there felt impossible. My breathing was really weary and it made noise not only by outhaling but by inhaling too. I don't know how I made it back home and up the stairs but I did, and I managed even to inhale the asthma medication and after a while, go and drive my little daughter home from school. Then I thought I'd go out again, since I had only walked for 10 minutes and I felt really ashamed of it, I would like to do better... but on second thoughts, my legs were almost unable to move for having done that walking with practically very little oxygen, I was trembling all over and feeling very weak and my heart was still beating extra - so that unfortunately, it is just to rest tonight.



That is the balancing I do all the time. It is essential to get as much motion as possible to beat breast cancer and prevent it from coming anew. Sometimes asthma gets so weary that motioning is impossible. And sometimes fibromyalgia adds on problems - like I think it did today, by making asthma worse than it was actually, and making walking cause more pain and fatique than would be reasonable.



But I have feelings too. I want to get well and it feels really hard to accept that my body is fighting against me. Or maybe it is telling me things I don't want to listen? Like, that I need to rest? After all, I DID some cleaning all through the morning, till noon. That counts too.

Back to work, day 3

First day, felt quite well rested and worked full day. Insane weather to drive.

Day 2, fell asleep at least three times when driving to work, insanely tired, worked half day and quitted. Exhausted at home.

Day 3:

Blood pressure sky-rocketed and my husband told me to stay at home and not drive while a) continuously falling asleep when driving and b) having the highest blood pressure ever measured. So I am cleaning my work mail box which I have not opened for one month and which is filled with all kinds of messages - can do it better at home than at work where I am all the time interrupted. Would be quiet days in the office though. Got an appointment scheduled to my doctor on the 4th of January, i.e. immediately after New Year, which is good. - Lungs still on half capacity and asthma keeping me awake from (too) early morning. Miettii

Get down and stay there

Waked up in my bed this morning in indiscribable pain, unbale to move. Am I paying for yesterday's all-day laundry now or what? I laid there and felt every single cell in me aching like hell. I was thinking, "Was it for this that I chose to get well instead of getting pneumonia the other day, when I so clearly felt that I could choose - either give up and let go or fight for getting better? What kind of a reward is this?" I saw the pain again, but not in colours this time - I saw it as a black, mean monster present in the room, calmly watching. I felt being torn to pieces, the pieces being left up in the painful air, and smashed down with force. I laid there, hurting and crying - helpless cry when all my dignity was gone again, when I had no control over myself and what I did and how I felt and how I looked and behaved... helpless disgusting cry when all I wished for was a bit of relief - and there was none.

That black mean monster is my own body which has turned against itself and seems to say, "You have not suffered nearly enough yet..."

It is no use to ask for the meaning of suffering. There is no meaning for it. It just exists. Right now, as there is no other relief, I only wish it would knock me unconscious. The pain is way over what I tolerate but I have no means to put it on a tolerable level.

Having flu, and a fibro flare

Fibro Flare Going On

The fibro flare is going on. It started the night before yesterday. Last night it got so bad that I could not sleep. Even wearing clothes caused too mch pain and was intolerable. The pain is on an intolerable level but I don't have any alternative, I have to be in this hurting body which is driving me mad. I am hurting immensely all over, including eye lids and just everything. No pain killers really "bite" now - I am taking them all which is not so much. I am also having flu, or influenza - whatever, the horrible disease that has already made all other family members ill. Maybe it is the cause of the fibro flare too. (I think flare is fibro slang, it means a pain attack which can last from hours to days, weeks and months). I am having fibro fog too, so even writing - typing is difficult because thinking is difficult, and i mistype in an awful way too, no word comes right to begin with, and I am not sure whether anything of what I write makes sense.

My husband is really nice, he is fussing on me, telling me to stay in bed and being worried that I get some additional diseases if I don't take it absolutely easy and just rest. He is so wonderful, I love him so much and I am the happiest woman on earth to have him, and to have had him all these past 20 years! He went to the pharmacy to get the additional medication I need for asthma now as I have breathing difficulties, and yesterday evening he came home from shopping and told me he had bought my favorite ice cream, and then he made spaghetti sauce with lots of garlic and onions and tomatoes to help me feel and get better.