Having to collect myself... again...

When I think of today... having to drive to the Central hospital, having to go to a place called the department of clinical neurophysiology... having to carry taped-in and plugged-in monitors day and night, monitoring everything I do, every breath I take, amount of oxygen I have in the blood, just every single thing.... having to use the heater for inhaled air whenever I get out of the door because otherwise the cold weather will make me suffocate... I just feel so disabled and so down that I cannot describe it. This is my home country and I love it... and I need all those damn equipments to survive here... I look out of the window and see a wonderful winter landscape and I cannot understand that it is simply deadly to me... this is not fair... I feel I cannot collect myself and be brave, yet another time, yet today... just over and over again.... goodness, will this never stop? How far down must I go before it will be enough? Why do I even now have to think that I don't have the right to feel down because things could always be really a lot worse? I know feelings are not good or bad, they are just feelings, they just are what they are - and still I feel I should not feel down or depressed or useless, I should be brave and feel gratitude of all things that are good in my life... of course they are many.... still the first and foremost feelings are those of depression, uselessness, guilt... and I am really afraid because I feel I cannot stand to be connected to those monitors without bursting into tears. Every single thing about health - or sickness - issues feels so humiliating nowadays, like depriving me of my dignity, really all of it...

Goodness... where do I take the strength now? I don't want to show how down I really am, I don't want to burst into tears in the hospital... I think I am really afraid too.