Going forward

It has been minusdegrees in the two previous nights. It is a crispy feeling in the air, weather is chilly but sunny - it is just wonderful out there.

Yesterday I talked about my situation, to a colleague, to one of my best friends and my confident, and to my husband. Then I decided it was time I do something for myself and to the situation.

Yesterday all I ate during the day was a coffee and a bun, as I was invited to coffee by my colleague. I decided it was time I start seeing to that I eat properly. I have just been rushing between home and work and everything else has been set aside. I also decided I need to motion more. And I need to cut the stressy working day somehow.

I took a proper meal with me today when I came to work. I also went via the bakery and purchased a cake for the coffee, and brought it here to delight me and my colleagues during the coffee break. And I took 20 minutes in the middle of the day and went out to have a walk in the wonderful, bright sunlight, in the middle of the falling autumn leaves... I concentrated in thinking that I am worth it, till I had got out and was really walking and enjoying the weather and the light and the beauty... just what I need. I need to see that I am the most important thing in my life. If I neglect myself, all else goes with it. (This was no religious argument, God comes above everything of course.) I have been on my way to burn-out - I got a warning yesterday and I have to do something to it before it takes me.

By the way, I noticed that I have not been out with anyone for a long time, anyone else than family and husband I mean. I enjoyed the coffee with my colleague, and I enjoyed being opened the door for, and being escorted in the stairs, and all that. Should do it more often really!

Now it is week-end coming. Usually my week-ends have been spent by rushing from one undone household chore to another, since so much remains undone during the week. This time I must take care of myself too. I must go out and enjoy the weather and the sun, I must get motion, I must get light, and I must eat. I must keep on telling myself that I am worth it, till I believe.

It is time to leave office and head to the shop and then home. I need this week-end of not-having-to-go-anywhere. I hope you enjoy your week-end too!

Writing

September 28th, 2007

Have been writing short, 14-line texts. I feel so incredibly exhausted that I cannot believe it is true and comes out of writing. And when I write I doubt all the time: do I really say something essential, is this bare nonsense and filling of space that I am doing or does this carry longer ... carry some substance... does it tell anything to anyone... am I telling things that everyone knows... is what is clear to me clear to everyone else... is every word I use the best possible one... do I use worn-out expressions... the exact length of the texts, and those innumeerous questions that cross my mind all the time when writing and weighing every word... what else could I be but incredibly exhausted. And I am not even finished with it yet. What a combination: a most challenging writing work and haste... only this day - already turned till evening - and Sunday to accomplish it all... tomorrow, there will be other tasks - work again, but this time traveling.