Get down and stay there

Waked up in my bed this morning in indiscribable pain, unbale to move. Am I paying for yesterday's all-day laundry now or what? I laid there and felt every single cell in me aching like hell. I was thinking, "Was it for this that I chose to get well instead of getting pneumonia the other day, when I so clearly felt that I could choose - either give up and let go or fight for getting better? What kind of a reward is this?" I saw the pain again, but not in colours this time - I saw it as a black, mean monster present in the room, calmly watching. I felt being torn to pieces, the pieces being left up in the painful air, and smashed down with force. I laid there, hurting and crying - helpless cry when all my dignity was gone again, when I had no control over myself and what I did and how I felt and how I looked and behaved... helpless disgusting cry when all I wished for was a bit of relief - and there was none.

That black mean monster is my own body which has turned against itself and seems to say, "You have not suffered nearly enough yet..."

It is no use to ask for the meaning of suffering. There is no meaning for it. It just exists. Right now, as there is no other relief, I only wish it would knock me unconscious. The pain is way over what I tolerate but I have no means to put it on a tolerable level.

Happy Eid!

Happy Eid!

I am thankful

The Potential of Today and the Promise of Tomorrow
2009 November 26
tags: journey, life, love, potential, promise, thankful, Thanksgiving
by fibrohaven
I am thankful.

being_thankful

I am thankful for my smart, funny and charming husband. I am thankful for the years he selflessly held us together while never making me feel inadequate. I am thankful for his companionship, his commitment to our partnership, and his unending loyalty, support, and love.

I am thankful for my friends – old & new. My friends who know me sometimes better than my family. My friends who love and support me regardless of what I am able to contribute to our friendship. My friends who understand when I need to cancel a lunch date or head home early from an evening out. I am thankful for my awesome friends!

************

These are fragments from FibroHaven's blog in
http://networkedblogs.com/p19073711

I wanted to copy these fragments here because they could as well be written by me, they reflect what I feel too. I am thankful and grateful of you. I love you.

Swine flu, continued

HAd a couple of days tough time. Completely exhausted, had to stay in bed and could not do just anything. Coughed my lungs out. Stayed awake one night due to breathing problems. Had some kind of culmination last night, a sort of a physical feeling added with a thought of the easiness of giving up. I felt that I had come to the point where I could perhaps decide the direction to take: give up and get worse, or reach for overcoming the disease. I have never felt it so clearly before, but this feeling was also physical and it was tangible.

This morning my wonderful husband hugged me and said that I feel better. How did he know, just by hugging me? Blessings of having been married for so long! I love it! Today my temperature has been normal with the strong meds I have. Today I have been sweating every time I do something, eating included. Today I have felt hungry for the first time in days. Today I have been strong enough to take a shower. I have been talking in the phone - part of my voice back, and still coughing my lungs out. Last night I could sleep again. I was woken up by asthma and coughing but it did not make me frightened. I still feel frustrated and useless and I struggle to accept those feelings and the fact that I am useless and can't be anything else right now. I have also felt touched many times today - by kindness and caring. I have heard words that I will treasure in my heart. I have been crying a lot, for all good reasons possible. People talk to me in a kind, soft voice... why, actually? Do I feel and look so ill really? But this is a tough disease. I wish I will overcome it without any further harm. There are people who pray for me - and that touches my heart really a lot.

Immigration in Finland by Egypt Today

http://www.egypttoday.com/article.aspx?ArticleID=8708

Another swine flu day

Yet another swine flu day. Have been sitting by my desk half a day. Collected dishes to the dish-washer in the morning and started it, re-loaded the washing machine, combed the girls' hairs for school... I have been studying Google Wave today, and I still don't know how to send an invitation to it. But I started to plan our trip to Malta by it. Nice tool but there are things to be developed yet, it is not as user-friendly as it no doubt aims to be. It is beta.

I feel tired and foggy and achy today.

Husband is ill too

Not only am I having swine flu: my beloved husband is ill too and I am so worried of him! Also two of three kids are not healthy,a nd the third one has just about recovered after having been ill for about one week... Oh my God... :/