Get down and stay there

Waked up in my bed this morning in indiscribable pain, unbale to move. Am I paying for yesterday's all-day laundry now or what? I laid there and felt every single cell in me aching like hell. I was thinking, "Was it for this that I chose to get well instead of getting pneumonia the other day, when I so clearly felt that I could choose - either give up and let go or fight for getting better? What kind of a reward is this?" I saw the pain again, but not in colours this time - I saw it as a black, mean monster present in the room, calmly watching. I felt being torn to pieces, the pieces being left up in the painful air, and smashed down with force. I laid there, hurting and crying - helpless cry when all my dignity was gone again, when I had no control over myself and what I did and how I felt and how I looked and behaved... helpless disgusting cry when all I wished for was a bit of relief - and there was none.

That black mean monster is my own body which has turned against itself and seems to say, "You have not suffered nearly enough yet..."

It is no use to ask for the meaning of suffering. There is no meaning for it. It just exists. Right now, as there is no other relief, I only wish it would knock me unconscious. The pain is way over what I tolerate but I have no means to put it on a tolerable level.