Struggling

Here I am again. It is the third week on sick leave now, and the sick leave is supposed to go on two weeks still, till the end of January.

I have been to my ordinary doctor twice, and to the asthma specialist once (it was last week Wednesday). The ordinary one had some lab tests made and I called her to hear what she thought of them. At least thyroid is functioning normally, it is not the cause of sleepiness and drowsiness and exhaustedness. Also the Central hospital is tracing the cause of my tiredness and I have had sleep registration done, and after that they wanted to have the thyroid tests made too, so I have been in those testsa twice. Still I have no results from the registration, and I have not been asked to see the doctor there either.

X-rays show no new damages done to lungs, they are ok in spite of the swine flu which I had in the end of last November, which was this time the beginning of this evil which I am now going through. It is just the asthma which is now hyperreactive. The specialist told to me about healthy young men who had got permanent damage done to their lungs due to the swine flu. I can consider myself blessed since I got nothing.

I got instructions from the specialist last week on how to gradually drop the size of the cortizone dose, and I thought of course that would be it. Cortizone is not a very good medicine to take for a long time. I have now taken it for about 8 weeks, without being able to stop - when I have stopped, it has made the situation worse, and I have been forced to start again. Now I was dropping it to half, from 40 mg to 20 mg, yesterday.

As a result I stayed awake most of the night, making everyone in Twitter insane I am sure by tweeting continuously - for what else is there to do when everybody sleeps... except those who are online? I had several fierce attacks of asthma which made sleeping impossible. I took my medication in the morning, again just 20 mg, not thinking about it because I have a dosette for medicine and I take what I have put in there. The attacks went on all mnorning.

When I was having lunch and talking to my dear husband, I suddenly realized the connection between the decreased cortizon dose and the increased attacks. I was thinking about it and realized that I have no choice - I have to add on that 20 mg again. And I did.

I feel so frustrated. There are contraindications: I have glaucoma, diabetes, overweight - not good to combine with cortizone, any of them.

I have been to opthalmologist too, last week. There was no damage in the eyes to be seen, I got prescription for a new pair of glasses and found a nice pair for both ordinary progressive glasses and screen glasses (which my employer will pay for). Neither was the eye pressure too high. It was within the normal range, although in the upper end of it, and I was told to come again in a year.

Actually I was so happy that "doctor day" when I had both opthalmologist and asthma specialist and saw a lot of people and went shopping and talked to optician and tried on new glasses and joked and.... I have been so isolated here at home, and I have isolated myself even more, not being available online, just using Twitter, not having enough energy to write emails or letters or anything... okey... I was so happy after all these PEOPLE things that it felt really good. Even husband noticed the change.

Actually, he will be taking me out to lunch on Thursday when he has not the entire day scheduled at work. Feels good.

SO, X-rays were good. Eyes were ok, it was just good news from the opthalmologist. And I like the new glasses though they are not ready yet.

Then there was blood in the urine. You start to think of all kinds of things when you see that. ANd when I called my doctor she wanted to see me personally. I have truly never been as scared as I was the day before I went to see her, and that special day.

It was no infection, there was no bacteria. It was neither anyhing else that could be seen or found in her surgery. Everything was perfectly clean and healthy, which was such a relief. She also said I was not menopausal (I think I know that - ).. I asked if it could be that kidneys are failing, and she said absolutely no. But she also ordered new lab tests to make sure it was just something occasional. So what I feared so much seemed to be nothing at all - at least nothing yet. Except new tests.

Now I am just feeling frustrated. It seems a never-ending battle with that cortizone. Why cannot I do without it, or even with a smaller amount of ii? I will have to try again, after a few days.... maybe next week? I also need a new appointment with my specialist in that case but I was just online and had a look but the only time there was was today. So maybe he will give new times today when he comes to the surgery. I must go and have a look after 3 p.m. forf he usually starts then.

I feel so trapped with this cortizone.

SO really trapped. Without it, I can't breathe. But it is not good to have forever either.... though I know people are on cortizone for long times, some forever. But I haven't been one of them.... I don't want to be.