Everything cannot be cured

Such a bad day, asthma-wise. Anything triggers an attack: laughing, having a shower, just whatever. Snow-storm out-doors, and I suffer from a bad case of fibro fog too, added with a really deep blue. I am starting to think that I will really never get well anymore. Illnesses are like that sometimes. Everything cannot be cured. BOnus: some friends seem to think that now is the appropriate time to turn their back to me. So I can only think that I now know them better than I did before.

The motto of the day is here

Found the motto for the day. God bless Martin Luther King Jr. who is the age of my mother and would have been 81 yesterday if he had lived. My Twitter account has lots of quotes from him from yesterday but this I found (in Twitter) first now in the evening:

"We must accept finite disappointment, but never lose infinite hope." MLK
I have always admired MLK jr - he did an amazing job and left such an ethic inheritance to all of us to carry on. It looks as though my contemplating through the day would have been preparing to read these words and to understand that it is there - why I am doing all this. Why I am going through this. Why I don't see light, why I face disappointments. I have been given the precious gift of life. I will be given the strength and energy to go through it, find light, get positive, make people around me feel good. Maybe it is my time to receive now. To rest in love that carries, and to receive what I am given, and feel grateful.

God - help me fulfil the task I have been given, with your help because self I cannot do it. Bless everyone around me and if you can, use me for doing so; I am here.

Amen.

Sorry

Why is it that I feel I should apologize for annoying people with illness issues I write on my blog? I don't apologize anyway because this is an illness blog as I have stated. Reading is voluntary: those who are interested, read. And nowadays, honestly, with all these problems and feelings around them and everything... I just cannot focus on much else. Today I am trying to overcome my deep disappointment for not being able to cut down on steroids as planned. But every medicine I take now is essential for my life and in the end I am now struggling to keep alive so I just have to take what is essential. If I cannot live without something, I take it. It is as simple as that.

More than anything I value my family who wholeheartedly support me all the way. More than anything I value my true friends who stay with me because now very many take distance. They may as well go. I have today cleaned some of my sites from contacts that I did not anymore consider worth while. I have said goodbye to a dear (former) friend who has more interesting things going on in his life and things so well he does not need me anymore. That is life, and i try not to feel sad but relieved.

I have blocked people from IM / chat to be available for those who are true friends and don't play games and have fun with other people.

I trust that God is not leaving me alone. I also appreciate my colleagues who today have been in touch after a long silence. I was already thinking I was not even missed but yes I am - they needed to ask things from me, talk with me, hear my opinion... feels good.

I wish to get well enough to be there for my family, and not to be the kind of zombie I have been today. Today this was all I could do. Perhaps tomorrow will be a better day - after all, I am back to the original dose of steroids so it could be. But to what price...

When do I need professional help to overcome all these emotions and frustrations? Will writing about them be enough? What could I do? Write an e-book? Why not, to myself... Blogs, social media etc are after all so fragmentary and sometimes I feel I'd need to process text which has length and cronology and which would be stilisized before publishing.

My Pidgin contacts list looks odd now as I have reorganized it to serve my needs better. I will get used to it.

Struggling

Here I am again. It is the third week on sick leave now, and the sick leave is supposed to go on two weeks still, till the end of January.

I have been to my ordinary doctor twice, and to the asthma specialist once (it was last week Wednesday). The ordinary one had some lab tests made and I called her to hear what she thought of them. At least thyroid is functioning normally, it is not the cause of sleepiness and drowsiness and exhaustedness. Also the Central hospital is tracing the cause of my tiredness and I have had sleep registration done, and after that they wanted to have the thyroid tests made too, so I have been in those testsa twice. Still I have no results from the registration, and I have not been asked to see the doctor there either.

X-rays show no new damages done to lungs, they are ok in spite of the swine flu which I had in the end of last November, which was this time the beginning of this evil which I am now going through. It is just the asthma which is now hyperreactive. The specialist told to me about healthy young men who had got permanent damage done to their lungs due to the swine flu. I can consider myself blessed since I got nothing.

I got instructions from the specialist last week on how to gradually drop the size of the cortizone dose, and I thought of course that would be it. Cortizone is not a very good medicine to take for a long time. I have now taken it for about 8 weeks, without being able to stop - when I have stopped, it has made the situation worse, and I have been forced to start again. Now I was dropping it to half, from 40 mg to 20 mg, yesterday.

As a result I stayed awake most of the night, making everyone in Twitter insane I am sure by tweeting continuously - for what else is there to do when everybody sleeps... except those who are online? I had several fierce attacks of asthma which made sleeping impossible. I took my medication in the morning, again just 20 mg, not thinking about it because I have a dosette for medicine and I take what I have put in there. The attacks went on all mnorning.

When I was having lunch and talking to my dear husband, I suddenly realized the connection between the decreased cortizon dose and the increased attacks. I was thinking about it and realized that I have no choice - I have to add on that 20 mg again. And I did.

I feel so frustrated. There are contraindications: I have glaucoma, diabetes, overweight - not good to combine with cortizone, any of them.

I have been to opthalmologist too, last week. There was no damage in the eyes to be seen, I got prescription for a new pair of glasses and found a nice pair for both ordinary progressive glasses and screen glasses (which my employer will pay for). Neither was the eye pressure too high. It was within the normal range, although in the upper end of it, and I was told to come again in a year.

Actually I was so happy that "doctor day" when I had both opthalmologist and asthma specialist and saw a lot of people and went shopping and talked to optician and tried on new glasses and joked and.... I have been so isolated here at home, and I have isolated myself even more, not being available online, just using Twitter, not having enough energy to write emails or letters or anything... okey... I was so happy after all these PEOPLE things that it felt really good. Even husband noticed the change.

Actually, he will be taking me out to lunch on Thursday when he has not the entire day scheduled at work. Feels good.

SO, X-rays were good. Eyes were ok, it was just good news from the opthalmologist. And I like the new glasses though they are not ready yet.

Then there was blood in the urine. You start to think of all kinds of things when you see that. ANd when I called my doctor she wanted to see me personally. I have truly never been as scared as I was the day before I went to see her, and that special day.

It was no infection, there was no bacteria. It was neither anyhing else that could be seen or found in her surgery. Everything was perfectly clean and healthy, which was such a relief. She also said I was not menopausal (I think I know that - ).. I asked if it could be that kidneys are failing, and she said absolutely no. But she also ordered new lab tests to make sure it was just something occasional. So what I feared so much seemed to be nothing at all - at least nothing yet. Except new tests.

Now I am just feeling frustrated. It seems a never-ending battle with that cortizone. Why cannot I do without it, or even with a smaller amount of ii? I will have to try again, after a few days.... maybe next week? I also need a new appointment with my specialist in that case but I was just online and had a look but the only time there was was today. So maybe he will give new times today when he comes to the surgery. I must go and have a look after 3 p.m. forf he usually starts then.

I feel so trapped with this cortizone.

SO really trapped. Without it, I can't breathe. But it is not good to have forever either.... though I know people are on cortizone for long times, some forever. But I haven't been one of them.... I don't want to be.

Changes in the mood

I was reading through my previous post. Those mood problems and feelings of an outsider seemed to pass so that when I was seeing my doctor the day before yesterday I told her that I thought they were history. Well they are not. I started to feel bad again yesterday. I simply feel unhappy and extra loaded by all diseases and I cannot understand how anyone can be in this state... It is ridiculous that I am feeling bad and isolated and alone when yesterday I had my phones ringing all the time and a continuous flood of sms:s and I had chat converstaions and .... my husband was on a business tour but he contacted several times during the day and how many times did he tell me that he loved me... in each and every message and every phone call and in the evening every time he popped in in between all that he was doing... I was NOT alone, the discussions were good and between close friends, not just indifferent talking.... everybody who is important to me was present in my life yesterday.... and in the middle of all that HUGE social life I feel lonely, left alone, outsider. In my sense I know it is not a feeling based by facts, and my sensible self keeps telling me that I am NOT lonely and I am not left alone or anything by anyone.... I am not even rejected because my friend has been explaining her behavior and contacting several times after I got hurt and I understand now it has nothing to do with me.... and still this feeling persists. Today I woke up with a basically unhappy feeling, and when my husband woked up to see me out - he starts my car, he carries my bags and handbag and everything... he ran upstairs for me and took down my cell phones that I had left there... he is so kind and does so many amazing things for me, and even more than so - he has done so all these 20 years... when he performs like a saint (a friend of mine called him that, knowing all that he does) I feel nobody loves me, nobody cares for me... I have no reason whatsoever to feel like I do, and it is not typical for me either. I am not used in having good days and bad days, I have had basically good days and days have been pretty even, according to my level of happiness or whatever. Now they are not. And this feeling, when I am unhappy... I start the day crying although everything is fine... an empty, indifferent, useless, non-existent feeling. Horrible.

This is not healthy. This is certainly a warning sign and I must watch it. I must read the instructions of Cymbalta really well again, and then discuss with my husband about what to do. I cannot stand this out. I can stand the good days but the bad days drive me to insanity.

Side effects again

When I was quitting Lyrica, my doctor put me on Cymbalta. It does not work on its full effect yet but the pain has eased remarkably and I have the feeling that I have less foggy days or moments too. Now I am on full dose of Cymbalta (for a week already) and I am wondering if I am having one of those side effects again... they will go by in three months, said my doctor... so.... if I can make up my mind on whether it is a side effect or not.... then I have to make up my mind on whether I can stand it out for three months... or whether it is safe to wait for so long...

I feel very undecisive. I am also starting to feel like an outsider. I feel like withdrawing from everything, and when I do, I end up blaming myself of not being there with others or for others, not taking part, not doing this or that... I am like questioning my own value all the time, and doing things I don't approve of. I also feel I am too dependent on other people and their doings and sayings and I don't want to be like that so I withdraw even more, to prove myself that I don't care.

I also react very strongly to things which I would normally let pass and not care. I was deeply hurt by being rejected by a moslem because of my faith. We had good conversations until the moment when he realized that I was a believing Christian to whom faith meant really a lot. Things like this happen, this is not the first time, and he was by no means anything special. The difference is that now I react really unreasonably and feel deeply hurt. - I also had an agreement with a friend of mine to meet her. Foggy as I am, I had made the first appointment with her on my husband's 50th birthday so I had to cancel it. Now I could not go this week either because I have hurt my back and I am on sick leave - besides, even the day was wrong because it was the day when we have our Arabic lessons, as my husband kindly reminded me. I cannot control these flops although I do my best because if I am foggy, I am and I cannot perform faultfree. And how could I know I would hurt my back right now? Now she told me we can as well meet next year, she is tired and she has problems at work.... she is like that, she has been like that all the time - and I understand I have hurt her - okey, she has hurt me too. I feel rejected because of my illness. And it hurts really a lot. But of course I am rejected by it all the time and I should not care - people are like that, and I know I am difficult, canceling appointments and things like that. I think I will be trying to avoid all kinds of appointments - which will make me even more isolated and feeling an outsider.

Some part of my mind tells me this is perhaps a warning signal on that the medication I am taking now is causing depressive thinking and that it is not healthy. I feel it important to write down how I feel and what I think about it, so that if I need to consult a doctor, I can explain the problem to her.
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I have here in between been reading about Cymbalta, and the experiences people have had. The side effects are said to be strongest in tghe beginning, especially self-destructive thoughts (which to me seem to mean that feeling of isolation and of an outsider) but in the end it has turned the opposite though not with everybody... I don't know if I am any wiser. I will wait and see and pray this goes by and I will be back to normal again.