Goes on and on

October 8th, 2007

The wonderful thing about blogs is that I may write what I do, think and feel, and in case I would be absent for someone it is possible that here my news are to be seen anyway - but no one ever has to read this. So it is not my responsibility, it is the reader's - whether one wants to know or not. Because I don't tell all miserabilities in e-mails - e-mails are my responsibility somehow.

Was to lab today. I have been postponing and postponing it... because I don't want to know the results. I thought this little harmless painful disaster of a disorder (rheuma) would not kill me. I thought it was not life-threatening. Now anyway my doctor suspects it is causing severe things here and there in my body... I know I live with it all the time but I don't want to think about it. And odd or not, it has felt that as long as I don't have the tests taken, I don't have to think about it.

Now anyway I had them taken and all right.... it has not been any good day - all the miserabilities this disorder can cause but then - I was shopping after work and when I came out .... what I saw was nearest awful for my condition - a landscape completely darkened by thick rain clouds - and heavy rain just about starting... suddenly I decided not to die just yet! That is a joke of course - but anyway it is incredible how most awful things can make you feel good. Get some psych-something to explain it, I can't - to me it is just funny and very handy.

I was asked what I will do with all that time now that I have finished the "big" (haha) writing work. What time? Looking at this week's schedule.... where is the Time? So... all goes its usual way, I rush from one thing to another... and somehow, in a strange way, even feel good about it. Don't have to think or explain to anyone so much about how I am or how I feel.

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Flare

December 13th, 2007

Having a flare. Those with FMS know what I am talking about. Incredible pain and ache all over - seemingly not to be eased by any kind of pain killers. Took a coctail of them - all prescription meds - at 4 a.m. and thought it would get me going by the morning but it did not - I see no difference which means that either they do not hit the point - or then the intensity of the pain has increased all the time.

For some time - a couple of days - I had sort of an "aura" telling this would be coming, but it was so unlike the usual brain fog that I could not interpret it. I knew and felt something was wrong with me but I did not know what it was. Usually that brain fog lasts for a short time, a couple of hours max, and then comes the flare, and during the brain fog I can't find words, can't communicate properly, may forget simpliest things - but when the pain comes, the fog goes. Now it was different: I felt I was like a string that was about to split off, or break. A friend of mine said he saw I was angry or really nervous. I was. And it lasted for DAYS! Then I felt the tension went to muscles... though stiff muscles are just part of the flare. And now at night came the intensive pain. I had to give up. I did not go to work today. I was happy I had no appointments for today. Couldn't start the car... Can't hold a key in my hands, not to talk about driving - all know that driving of mine: 1 hour+ to work, another+ back...

How after 12 years with this disorder, it still can surprise me!

Not a dull life ----- ?