Isolating

I am isolating myself from people around me ... I easily withdraw from social contacts nowadays. I feel really tired because of the treatments and my feelings are confused about it. I am blaming myself for being in a bad physical condition, telling myself I ought to excercise more, and then being unsure of how much is enough and how much is too much... and sometimes being just so exhausted that I cannot do anything. The possibility of excercising too much is a fact... my body has to recover from the treatments over and over again and it is put under extreme pressure by that task, and I should not add on it too much. I have just read a booklet about feeling exhausted during the treatments and I know it all... just don't see what is so difficult in accepting it that for once, I am so ill that it is stronger than me and I have to give in a little - I cannot go on doing this and that like I have been used in doing in spite of fibromyalgia, diabetes, blood pressure, sleeping problems, asthma... like I have said a few times, I have got one diagnose after another and went on like there'd be nothing although my body has tried to tell me otherwise. Now I must face the fact that my body is not asking me to slow down anymmore, it is slowing down whether I want it or not and OH MY GOD that it is difficult for me to accept it as it is. At first accepting it feels like submitting or giving up... but I know it is the wisdom of finding a balance. Today it feels like something that makes me cry because I cannot feel that I could ever find a balance, ever quit blaming myself of everything that has happened to me. I am crying a lot these days. If someone would ask me why I could not even tell. Maybe I feel I have failed somehow? Failed staying young, energetic, vital...



Somehow it feels like I ought to let go of my previous life and start anew. I don't mean anything else than simply accepting the facts and loving myself the way I am. I think I am doing neither right now.



On the other hand I think like this too: I don't beleive in things just happening without a reson. I got cancer because I needed it. My life like I lived it was impossible because I did not have time to take care of myself and my well-being. I must change it somehow and I have to see to that I remain in the centre of my life. Something had to happen to make me realize that I cannot go on like that and that is final and I cannot postpone the change anymore. I was burning my candle from both ends and I had been doing so for a long time.



My husband said something really beautiful and clever when I was wondering if I was too weary ("rasittava"). He said I was not weary ("rasittava") but "rasittunut" = exhausted, worn-out (by cancer and its treatments). It does not translate into English but in Finnish it was something really beautiful, the way he used those two words. It transformed me from the subject to the object of weariness.



I wish I could learn to see myself that way too.

Changes in the mood

I was reading through my previous post. Those mood problems and feelings of an outsider seemed to pass so that when I was seeing my doctor the day before yesterday I told her that I thought they were history. Well they are not. I started to feel bad again yesterday. I simply feel unhappy and extra loaded by all diseases and I cannot understand how anyone can be in this state... It is ridiculous that I am feeling bad and isolated and alone when yesterday I had my phones ringing all the time and a continuous flood of sms:s and I had chat converstaions and .... my husband was on a business tour but he contacted several times during the day and how many times did he tell me that he loved me... in each and every message and every phone call and in the evening every time he popped in in between all that he was doing... I was NOT alone, the discussions were good and between close friends, not just indifferent talking.... everybody who is important to me was present in my life yesterday.... and in the middle of all that HUGE social life I feel lonely, left alone, outsider. In my sense I know it is not a feeling based by facts, and my sensible self keeps telling me that I am NOT lonely and I am not left alone or anything by anyone.... I am not even rejected because my friend has been explaining her behavior and contacting several times after I got hurt and I understand now it has nothing to do with me.... and still this feeling persists. Today I woke up with a basically unhappy feeling, and when my husband woked up to see me out - he starts my car, he carries my bags and handbag and everything... he ran upstairs for me and took down my cell phones that I had left there... he is so kind and does so many amazing things for me, and even more than so - he has done so all these 20 years... when he performs like a saint (a friend of mine called him that, knowing all that he does) I feel nobody loves me, nobody cares for me... I have no reason whatsoever to feel like I do, and it is not typical for me either. I am not used in having good days and bad days, I have had basically good days and days have been pretty even, according to my level of happiness or whatever. Now they are not. And this feeling, when I am unhappy... I start the day crying although everything is fine... an empty, indifferent, useless, non-existent feeling. Horrible.

This is not healthy. This is certainly a warning sign and I must watch it. I must read the instructions of Cymbalta really well again, and then discuss with my husband about what to do. I cannot stand this out. I can stand the good days but the bad days drive me to insanity.

Getting rid of Lyrica

Lyrica did not suit me. I have asthma and it caused asthma symptoms to get so much worse that I had to start cutting down on Lyrica. Lyrica was helpful though, as long as it lasted. It hit where the pain was, although not even that could completely free me from pain - but life was so much easier - as long as it was just that. Now I have been cutting down, first from 2 x 300 mg to 2 x 150 mg, and again from that to 2 x 75 mg and now that amount is not helping so much anymore. Asthma symptoms have easened remarkably, and I feel really a lot better. But I am 20 kg heavier than I was before Lyrica - though I am now putting off weight, the first 4 kg is gone which feels good but is not nearly enough. I think though that the more I cut down on Lyrica - and the next move, after a month maybe, will perhaps be getting totally rid of it - the more I find the natural feel of how much I need to eat, and following what I feel makes me put off weight. So far it has been that easy. That natural feeling was completely confused with Lyrica.

Was to see my doctor this week. She wanted to have a cardiologist consultation, so I made an appointment - but it will be just in the middle of October. Other than worrying herself about my heart and being horrified of the weight gain (for reason, true - I am too) she sent me to routine blood tests due to diabetes. There really is a mix of health issues to deal with. I am seeing the asthma specialist on Sept. 30th. I sometimes wish all those specialists would once sit together round the table but no - I am going with all the information from one to another.

My doctor also wanted to try Cymbalta, but I am now at first using 2 x 75 mg Lyrica to get used to the reduced amount of it before taking the first minimun dose of Cymbalta. That is because I don't remember if she told me to do so or not, so I'd like to make sure no harm is done. I hate trying new meds. I feel scared when I read in the leaflet that it may cause suicidal thoughts and tendency to suicide. I am not the least suicidal or depressed or anything but I was once on medication that was then drawn from the market due to causing suicidal behavior, and I stopped using it at once - and first then realized that I had had day dreams of just walking till I get away from this all... what this all? There is really nothing to complain with my life, other than being ill this way and that way. So getting those thoughts is scary. What if I'd have used the med longer? Thanks God I was not.

Cymbalta is affecting the central nervous system, like Lyrica is too. It is mostly used for diabetics to help in neuropathic pain caused by diabetes. As far as I know, I don't have neuropathic pain yet. Anyway it has proved to be effective in helping some fibromyalgia patients with their fibro pain too. It is NOT known to worsen asthma symptoms.

I wonder if anyone has experiences of life, and fibromyalgia, with Cymbalta? I'd like to know how it has felt, and how it has worked.

Living with a disease which is placed in the central nervous system is scary. The disease in itself is scary because it can do so much harm and cause such immense pain although it does not actually destroy muscles or joints. What is even more scary is the effect it has on brain gray mass (diminishes it) and the awful moments of fibro fog, or SMOG like someone said. But also using meds that affect the central nervous system is scary. And once you start something, it takes TIME to cut down on it. It does not make you dependent, at least Lyrica did not, I just cut it down after instructions and there are no feelings of wanting to have it back or not coping... the only thing it causes is added pain of course, and stiffness which is as bad.

Trying to minimize the amount of medicine I take daily, especially those that affect the central nervous system, I asked my doctor if I could use just 10 mg amitriptyline instead of 25 mg and she agreed. The health insurance does not pay for this "smaller" pill which sounds funny. It did pay for 25 mg pill.

I have to observe myself closely when starting with the new med, Cymbalta. Usually the side effects in me increase gradually and are obvious first after a longer period of use, which makes observing a demanding task.

Portsoy man

Comment: why this article hit me was because the wife had fibromyalgia, and the husband thinks it is at least one of the reasons why she died. Pain in kitself can cause death if it is severe enough. ANd this pain can be severee, I know. On the other hand, she was on medication, and the drugs used in this condition are death-causing too. There are warnings at least in some labels. Plus, that treatment with pain killers makes that you can be killed by side effects too.

This makes me think...