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I have been struggling to get off
a medication that has been causing my asthma problems or at least the
most part of them. Unfortunately, it is the medication that has helped
me keep going, kept the pains in a tolerable level and the awful
stiffness likewise. Quitting medication is no bigger problem - though
now that I have cut it in half I don't know how to go on and I have to
consult my doctor (I have an appointment on Tuesday). Anyway the level
of pain and other inconvenience which has followed is an issue to be
dealt with. I must find a way to live with it.
We have done some heavy gardening today - heavy to my level, which is
not necessarily so to other people. There was a mess in one corner of
the garden which was anyway the almost only proper place to plant
Magdalena's berry bushes that she wished for her name day. We have
been getting rid of the mess by all possible means and tools, also by
tearing it away by hand. Then digging, taking away the old soil,
bringing new, planting the bushes which so far are really tiny - and
then, after all this was done, we still had to build a fence to
prohibit rabbits from eating up the plants the coming night. - There
was broken glass in the mess too, and whenever I pulled away a weed,
under it lay glass, which I had to pick away too. We have also cut
away raspberry bushes that had spread in places where they should not
grow... mowed the lawn... and all that done, I have been aching and
getting all the more stiff all evening. It feels awful. Nowadays, when
I want to get something done, I cannot just go and do it like I did
before, I have to engage others to do that with me or it will never
get done. I cannot move those compost bags which we buy from the
store. And there was a time when I could even lift them up to the car.
I cannot believe it now.
I had to go to lift money. Venla had been working at home for one day
to earn money for charity. Magdalena needed money to subscribe a
magazine via school.
I have free tomorrow. I will try to climb to the Wolf Mountain if I
recover from today's work. I have not been there for once this summer.
Yesterday we celebrated Venla's birthday. Her godmother paid us a
visit. It was a nice afternoon with her. I have been irritated because
ever since she moved away from her husband after having applied for a
divorce (several years ago) she has not given any proper address, and
we have not visited her more than once in her new male friend's summer
cottage. Now I asked her where she lives. She said they live in that
summer cottage. And that it is small, and filled with stuff, and she
described it... I know since I have been there... and the rest, I can
imagine... they both have addresses to their work places because that
cottage has no address. .. she said she has been so sad not being able
to have anyone over... okay now I must decide once again never to get
irritated on people I know well, no matter what, because there most
likely always is an explanation. It is amazing how we don't know
things, not even about our friends... anyway I am happy she can visit
us every now and then. I hope their housing problem can be solved
soon.
That is about all the news now I think. The subject line refers to
unusually many unnecessary deaths that have taken place in Finland
over the week-end. More than 10 people have died in traffic accidents
and shootings, a few have drowned and one has died in a diving
accident. Really sad news. Also, 35 % of all people who die in traffic
accidents are between 15 and 18 of age. You can almost call it a lost
generation.
Sunday, September 13, 2009
Wednesday, September 9, 2009
Monday, September 7, 2009
Allodynia - hard-to-understand type of fibro pain
http://chronicfatigue.about.com/b/2009/09/07/fibromyalgia-pain-allodynia.htm
It is a useful article that brings up a type of fibromyalgia pain that most of us feel but which is almost impossible to explain to anyone.
I am myself especially sensitive to sounds and lights, they can really drag my nerves in pieces... often a flare also means increased sensitivity (read:pain) caused by just whatever clothes I am wearing. That is quite impossible to even ease - you have to wear something anyway, right? But the feeling can be intolerable. Visual chaos is also something that is causing physical pain - even I have till now thought that I am just naggy when I talk about the importance of beauty - f.ex. at home. What makes it sound complete idiotisn is that I myself cannot do as much as would be needed to accomplish that level of tidiness and organization which I would need.
I have been carrying out carloads of things that we don't need but that are lying around and filling up space. It feels nearest desperate, it feels it never ends but I think it is starting to be seen here, by and by. I am grateful of the efforts of the family members too. They are doing a great deal - although they cannot understand how it can be possible that I suffer so much for such minor things.
I have had many friends with whom I contact by online chat. Nowadays I feel like I don't want to chat online anymore. I don't exactly know what bothers me in it, but I have a strong feeling that there is something that is too much for me. Someone would say that fibromyalgia is robbing yet another area in my life that I have enjoyed. Maybe it is so. I just know that for now, I keep my status invisible and although I see people there whose company I enjoy, I don't give any sign of life. Those who are very close I can talk to, one at a time. I don't think it will be so forever but for now it is and I am astonished by the feeling that I don't even want it back.
Today I am grateful of this quiet day at home - I have a wrting-day, articles to be written at work, so I am staying at home where I have the peace to write them. Already mailed away the first article, one or two to be written still.
It is a useful article that brings up a type of fibromyalgia pain that most of us feel but which is almost impossible to explain to anyone.
I am myself especially sensitive to sounds and lights, they can really drag my nerves in pieces... often a flare also means increased sensitivity (read:pain) caused by just whatever clothes I am wearing. That is quite impossible to even ease - you have to wear something anyway, right? But the feeling can be intolerable. Visual chaos is also something that is causing physical pain - even I have till now thought that I am just naggy when I talk about the importance of beauty - f.ex. at home. What makes it sound complete idiotisn is that I myself cannot do as much as would be needed to accomplish that level of tidiness and organization which I would need.
I have been carrying out carloads of things that we don't need but that are lying around and filling up space. It feels nearest desperate, it feels it never ends but I think it is starting to be seen here, by and by. I am grateful of the efforts of the family members too. They are doing a great deal - although they cannot understand how it can be possible that I suffer so much for such minor things.
I have had many friends with whom I contact by online chat. Nowadays I feel like I don't want to chat online anymore. I don't exactly know what bothers me in it, but I have a strong feeling that there is something that is too much for me. Someone would say that fibromyalgia is robbing yet another area in my life that I have enjoyed. Maybe it is so. I just know that for now, I keep my status invisible and although I see people there whose company I enjoy, I don't give any sign of life. Those who are very close I can talk to, one at a time. I don't think it will be so forever but for now it is and I am astonished by the feeling that I don't even want it back.
Today I am grateful of this quiet day at home - I have a wrting-day, articles to be written at work, so I am staying at home where I have the peace to write them. Already mailed away the first article, one or two to be written still.
Sunday, September 6, 2009
Read Sarah's Fibro Poem
Read Sarah's fibro poem on http://sarahbear9708.blogspot.com/
It is a wonderful poem, it tells what we all so oftern want to say and what so many needs to know! Thanks Sarah for sharing it!
It is a wonderful poem, it tells what we all so oftern want to say and what so many needs to know! Thanks Sarah for sharing it!
Knocked out by pain
Awful night. I am just waiting for that I will be knocked unconscious by the pain. I will, soon, because I cannot stand this out.
Saturday, September 5, 2009
Severe flare
I have been back to work this week. It was a complete chaos there. It seems no one of my employees can behave if I am not there and it feels hard. Both that work full time had created enough problems... I try to see it is their problems, and not to involve myself. Still it was hard to bear, mentally.
Today is Saturday, it is week-end and I have been counting days to it. It has been an awful day. I was yelling all around (haha, I can't behave either) and did not know why, until I started to get achy and stiff... Have been rebooting the washing machine all day and there is no end to it in sight. Did some minor organizing and dusting and a lot of folding laundry... and now I am so much in pain that it is unbearable. My God... I did not remember it was like this. I have been too busy or too exhausted to post anything on my blog this past week although there'd have been lots of positive things to post - and now it is like this, I have only negative things to tell.
Something like a miracle happened too. I got a phone call from my mother, she told me to call someone who was worried about my late brother's house being torn by vandalists. I did call him, and he asked if he could go and fix the door which has been damaged, and even more - if his son could go and cut the grass that was growing wild there, definitely showing everyone that the place was not inhabited. What was even more, he said he'd be interested in buying it. It is amazing. It is not even for sale yet, and we already have two potential buyers interested in it. Because another person is too. She has been fooling me though, not giving the right information about things, hiding this and that and not keeping what has been agreed upon... I don't like such behavior. She thinks that because I am not from the area, she can tell me what she pleases. Last time she tried to make me believe that no one else would be interested in the house, that it would not be so very expensive because of the neighbors (!) - well I know something else. Also my instinct has been right about her all the time, I can see it now.
Last Sunday at church, all the texts were about healing. It was very comforting. Also a sister said, almost a year ago, that I needed not worry about finances, according to my late brother's belongings, that God already had a solution. Now I see light, for the first time after his death. Maybe it is not so hopeless anyway. That sister was sure of a solution after she had praid. She was a total stranger to me but I remember this.
By dinner, I took all the pain killers I had. Now it is starting to feel a bit easier. I hope there will be a relief tonight. It was starting to feel so bad that I was not sure if I could make it. I have been really off the rail today. It is not a good feeling.
I am sorry it is so dark today for me. I hope and believe you are having it easier.
Today is Saturday, it is week-end and I have been counting days to it. It has been an awful day. I was yelling all around (haha, I can't behave either) and did not know why, until I started to get achy and stiff... Have been rebooting the washing machine all day and there is no end to it in sight. Did some minor organizing and dusting and a lot of folding laundry... and now I am so much in pain that it is unbearable. My God... I did not remember it was like this. I have been too busy or too exhausted to post anything on my blog this past week although there'd have been lots of positive things to post - and now it is like this, I have only negative things to tell.
Something like a miracle happened too. I got a phone call from my mother, she told me to call someone who was worried about my late brother's house being torn by vandalists. I did call him, and he asked if he could go and fix the door which has been damaged, and even more - if his son could go and cut the grass that was growing wild there, definitely showing everyone that the place was not inhabited. What was even more, he said he'd be interested in buying it. It is amazing. It is not even for sale yet, and we already have two potential buyers interested in it. Because another person is too. She has been fooling me though, not giving the right information about things, hiding this and that and not keeping what has been agreed upon... I don't like such behavior. She thinks that because I am not from the area, she can tell me what she pleases. Last time she tried to make me believe that no one else would be interested in the house, that it would not be so very expensive because of the neighbors (!) - well I know something else. Also my instinct has been right about her all the time, I can see it now.
Last Sunday at church, all the texts were about healing. It was very comforting. Also a sister said, almost a year ago, that I needed not worry about finances, according to my late brother's belongings, that God already had a solution. Now I see light, for the first time after his death. Maybe it is not so hopeless anyway. That sister was sure of a solution after she had praid. She was a total stranger to me but I remember this.
By dinner, I took all the pain killers I had. Now it is starting to feel a bit easier. I hope there will be a relief tonight. It was starting to feel so bad that I was not sure if I could make it. I have been really off the rail today. It is not a good feeling.
I am sorry it is so dark today for me. I hope and believe you are having it easier.
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