Depressed, happy, depressed....

No matter how I reason and try to be brave, I cannot help feeling depressed about having to be on steroids again - and looking out of the window and knowing that without special equipment, the out-door air would kill me. Have been shopping with my daughters today and I feel good that I can do it, that I still have income and can take care of their needs, and mine, and my husband's... Lots of wonderful things have happened today and yesterday and I want to say thanks to all of you who recognize yourselves here. You make the difference in my life. Yet there are people who seem to think that I cannot see through lies, and that I don't recognize indifferent attitude when I face one, even if it is masked. That I am ill does not mean that I am an idiot, or somehow immune to indifference. I am not. I could even tell I am nore sensitive than normally, recognize more nuances than I normally do. I pay attention to both good and bad things, and feel deeper about both. Perhaps this disease and this difficult situation was given to me to be able to see clearly - to be able to see who is the real friend and who is ready to let me down, for whatever reason.

My condolences

I would like to express my deepest condolences to the victims' families and friends and my sympathy to all those affected by the shooting incident in Espoo.

Happy New Year

Health, peace, happiness and prosperity for the coming year to all of you who want to own it. Happy New Year!

Buried in snow

I look out of the window in the blue morning - and all I see is the huge maple thickly covered with snow. All is completely still, lots of snow all over. Makes me feel unrealistically that this is magic and that I may have been really buried in the snow like in fairytales, sleeping under the snow blanket till spring - see you next spring...

Back to work, day 3

First day, felt quite well rested and worked full day. Insane weather to drive.

Day 2, fell asleep at least three times when driving to work, insanely tired, worked half day and quitted. Exhausted at home.

Day 3:

Blood pressure sky-rocketed and my husband told me to stay at home and not drive while a) continuously falling asleep when driving and b) having the highest blood pressure ever measured. So I am cleaning my work mail box which I have not opened for one month and which is filled with all kinds of messages - can do it better at home than at work where I am all the time interrupted. Would be quiet days in the office though. Got an appointment scheduled to my doctor on the 4th of January, i.e. immediately after New Year, which is good. - Lungs still on half capacity and asthma keeping me awake from (too) early morning. Miettii

I slept about 4 to 5 hours last night. I have made sleeping a priority so I finished all activities by 10 p.m. and went to bed. It took about 3 to 4 hours before I could fall asleep because I had pains and aches all over due to "fibro" and I just could not sleep or even stay in bed all the time due to them. I could not ease them either, all medication I can take was already taken and nothing else seemed to work either. I did not wake up too early due to asthma though like I use to do. Anyway since I am continuously sleep-deprived, I found myself at least three times falling asleep when I was driving. Twice I was about to drive off the road, and at least once I found myself on the opposite lane. Of course the weather is also at its most interesting these days and I was driving to work in a snow storm. Had the first attack of asthma already when walking to the car at home; the second one when almost at work but driving still. This is not going to be a long day at work, I already feel really exhausted due to those attacks so that my hands are shaking. But I must wait till lunch hour so that I can eat before I go. - Bought a new PEF meter yesterday because my old one got broken. Measured this morning: my lungs work on half capacity. That is not really a lot. Now lunch, then back home.

Having to collect myself... again...

When I think of today... having to drive to the Central hospital, having to go to a place called the department of clinical neurophysiology... having to carry taped-in and plugged-in monitors day and night, monitoring everything I do, every breath I take, amount of oxygen I have in the blood, just every single thing.... having to use the heater for inhaled air whenever I get out of the door because otherwise the cold weather will make me suffocate... I just feel so disabled and so down that I cannot describe it. This is my home country and I love it... and I need all those damn equipments to survive here... I look out of the window and see a wonderful winter landscape and I cannot understand that it is simply deadly to me... this is not fair... I feel I cannot collect myself and be brave, yet another time, yet today... just over and over again.... goodness, will this never stop? How far down must I go before it will be enough? Why do I even now have to think that I don't have the right to feel down because things could always be really a lot worse? I know feelings are not good or bad, they are just feelings, they just are what they are - and still I feel I should not feel down or depressed or useless, I should be brave and feel gratitude of all things that are good in my life... of course they are many.... still the first and foremost feelings are those of depression, uselessness, guilt... and I am really afraid because I feel I cannot stand to be connected to those monitors without bursting into tears. Every single thing about health - or sickness - issues feels so humiliating nowadays, like depriving me of my dignity, really all of it...

Goodness... where do I take the strength now? I don't want to show how down I really am, I don't want to burst into tears in the hospital... I think I am really afraid too.