Sorry

Why is it that I feel I should apologize for annoying people with illness issues I write on my blog? I don't apologize anyway because this is an illness blog as I have stated. Reading is voluntary: those who are interested, read. And nowadays, honestly, with all these problems and feelings around them and everything... I just cannot focus on much else. Today I am trying to overcome my deep disappointment for not being able to cut down on steroids as planned. But every medicine I take now is essential for my life and in the end I am now struggling to keep alive so I just have to take what is essential. If I cannot live without something, I take it. It is as simple as that.

More than anything I value my family who wholeheartedly support me all the way. More than anything I value my true friends who stay with me because now very many take distance. They may as well go. I have today cleaned some of my sites from contacts that I did not anymore consider worth while. I have said goodbye to a dear (former) friend who has more interesting things going on in his life and things so well he does not need me anymore. That is life, and i try not to feel sad but relieved.

I have blocked people from IM / chat to be available for those who are true friends and don't play games and have fun with other people.

I trust that God is not leaving me alone. I also appreciate my colleagues who today have been in touch after a long silence. I was already thinking I was not even missed but yes I am - they needed to ask things from me, talk with me, hear my opinion... feels good.

I wish to get well enough to be there for my family, and not to be the kind of zombie I have been today. Today this was all I could do. Perhaps tomorrow will be a better day - after all, I am back to the original dose of steroids so it could be. But to what price...

When do I need professional help to overcome all these emotions and frustrations? Will writing about them be enough? What could I do? Write an e-book? Why not, to myself... Blogs, social media etc are after all so fragmentary and sometimes I feel I'd need to process text which has length and cronology and which would be stilisized before publishing.

My Pidgin contacts list looks odd now as I have reorganized it to serve my needs better. I will get used to it.

Embraced

I have been hugged today for a hundred times, about. I have been embraced by caring and kind words and messages from around the world, not to talk about the caring and love I have received at home. I have been in incredible pain all day and not only felt crippled by it but also been crippled by it, unable to perform tasks that belong to normal life, like getting out of bed, or dressing up. When the pain eased a bit for a while, I was so exhausted by it that I fell asleep.
It is so true and I want to remember it always: pain and stiffness stays by me but ALSO, and much more importantly, I have a couple of true friends that always stay by me no matter what, and my family who always stays by me too. I am surrounded by love and caring from above, and from all sides. That thought is more healing than anything else. I am so happy and proud and privileged to have friends to remind me of it when I forget it myself. With this level of pain, it is easy to forget.

Happy photos

Today I was clening the entrance of the house. It had loads of electric garbage which had to be taken out and away and my DH took care of that part so it is now relatively empty. I then also found some items that we had brought back from my brother's house after the fire which killed him. He had no family so it fell pretty much on us to take care of everything after the accident and to be honest, I have even today posted some formulas that the insurance company wants to have in order to be able to decide on the matter. Anyway, I found some of his photos that had survived the damage. I have been watching them this evening and uploading them to my laptop,and internet folder. I feel happy when watching them because what is so obvious there is that everyone is happy and feels well. I look at myself with my son, I am wearing an apron and feeding him, and I smile - my brother took that photo. I see another one where he is holding my son, I took that photo - he looks happy too. In one picture we are having breakfast and laughing from the bottom of our hearts - my brother took that photo. I miss him, but it feels good we have had happy moments with each other.

Being able to do cleaning work is something HUGE when compared to how I have been feeling the past days... weeks... months.... wooow.... it was not easy and I had to take breaks but it was really amazing... I even used the vacuum cleaner for a long time, and it was a heavy surface to be vacuumed, not to mention that it was dirty... I can breathe... I can accomplish things.... amazing! Those photos that I found, and all this activity - I feel so happy tonight!

Grateful

Tonight I am grateful of my wonderful family. I amgrateful that the washing machine works. I am grateful of my daughter who cooked the dinner - such a delicious one, with rolls and everything! I amgrateful I had the access to doctor when I needed it. I am gratedful we all get help when we need it. I am especially grateful of friends who encourage me when it gets tough. You mean a lot to me, and I value you more than your weight of gold. I love you. God bless you !!!!

Hosting a dinner party

Hosting a dinner party

I enjoyed so much today. We were hosting our daughter's 11th-anniversary-party for her friends, and after that, a dinner party for our family and friends who came to celebrate her with us. I enjoyed planning the menu and in which order to prepare dishes; I enjoyed planning the use of china and other table ware; I enjoyed counting glasses and washing them in beforehand so that they would be shining in the table. Most of all I enjoyed the thought of hosting a several-generation dinner party for really many people - after such a long pause! I did not succeed in making the dishes taste exactly as I'd have liked them to... but I did everything I had planned doing and I am satisfied for that. I have been awake since 5 a.m. today and worked almost all the time. This will be the third night when I have returned in using double dose of the dark hormone and it is starting to bite. I have hardly any pains though it is storming and I have been on my feet all day. I tried to quit taking that hormone since I realized that I could fall asleep without it - but I slept really poorly anyway, and became so achy that it was nearest intolerable. After the vernissage in the museum my feet were so sore that I was ready to scream all the way home (while driving). At home, I could only creep between the sheets and go to sleep - after having taken all pain killers, Lyrica AND the hormone. Next day was better and this day has been enjoyable (is NOT equivalent to pain free but way to that direcytion anyway!)

All the reason to be happy!

Happy day!

to you! Today!

In Finland kids are on their summer holiday, and have all kinds of summer activities. Our youngest goes to theater course this week.

She is a dibetic so when she starts off she has a back bag with her meals in, and a handbag with her blood glucose meter, emergency drink, and insulin, in order to be prepared to all conditions, and her cell phone in which she has set reminders for snacks, meals and scheduled blood glucose measurings. She also wears a diabetes bracelet.

She went off today when her father came back from home to drive her; she was so sunny and happy and joyful about everything: that she would be in the course even today; that she had managed packing in everything she needed; that mother (me!) was going to have free today and be at home when she would come back; that it would be her candy-half-day (an invention of her wonderful godfather who got the idea of splitting one candy day into two halves when goddaughter protested about not having enough candy days when they were reduced from two to one - marvellous!) - and that her blood sugar had been on normal level for quite some time already - actually, I think, longer than ever before!

So she went off and looked so wonderfully happy, waved and said, "It is going to be a good day!" - closed the door with the back bag on her back and the handbag hanging from her shoulder, looked in from the window which was so high up that only her shiny eyes and curly hair could be seen, and said through the glass, "Bye-bye mother, have a nice day!"

My heart has been filled with joy ever since, and I feel overwhelmingly happy and privileged to have such a wonderful daughter and to be able to live such a wonderful life - life that makes me happy and willing to make others happy too. I could not just sit back, I had to share this with you - and I hope you can feel even part of the happiness that I do feel.

It has been rainy from yesterday; now it seems that some rays of the sun are coming through the clouds - like to accompany the overall good feeling. So, and good feeling and happiness to you all!
to all !

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