Rainy Sunday

October 7th, 2007

Sunday, raining. I am not my best when it is like this... I have had the stiffness and aches mostly away... I feel when they are coming back and know to add medication then... but there is nothing really to help with how I feel, mentally, and that is the most awful thing about it. For that, there seems to be no cure. I feel sad about things, bad about some old joking or teasing or whatever... suddenly I feel unhappy about things that are gone or things that are perfectly normal... I am like oversensitive to everything, my reactions are exaggerated and I know that they are but I can't change it. It changes with the weather then.

It has been a good day... I have got things done... the entire week-end has been a good one actually. I have been active at home, cleaning, sewing performance clothes for DD who was performing in some senior citizens' happening today... I have been baking and cooking... and washing loadwise of laundry... reading one of Fred Vargas' book (novel) - a good one like they all are... that is, I have tried to keep myself active and not to think so much of how I feel, and I have tried to do things I love, in order to feel better.... but it is really so that nothing ever helps when I feel like this. And I hate to be so helpless with that because I am not mentally ill or unbalanced... it is incredible that a rheumatic disease really works like this! Even though the pain and ache is excluded - I'd have it but for once the medication is able to keep it away. And I still FEEL so bad although everything is all right and well... Sometimes when the pain cannot be excluded, when I live with it for days, or weeks, or months, and it gets intolerable at times... then I can understand I can start feeling depressed. I know I just ought to accept this - it is part of me and part of the disease and I can't help it... so why feel bad even of feeling bad? - Here you see. I AM impossible.

I think I will go back to Vargas.

I was organizing the shower gels, shampoos, conditioners and whatever in the sauna washing room. It appeared that there was hardly any shampoo at all but that there were tens of conditioners so I need not purchase another one before Christmas! But I must get more shampoo at once.

I am also Christmas cleaning, so to say... already... I mean throwing unwanted, broken etc. things out of the house. I enjoy it. I enjoy creating SPACE in this MESS which I hate. But I am such a perfectionist that if I let it rule I never do anything because I cannot get it done well enough. So before I get anything done I have to fight with myself and dump that perfectionism and tell myself that whatever I do.... WHATEVER.... how little, how short a time, how imperfect ever - it is always better than not to do anything at all. And now I start seeing the results. Much has to be done still (says the perfectionist) but a lot has been done too. It has been good time for the mess to cumulate since children were at home during the summer holidays and we were both working and I was even rather busy all summer so... we did not do so much at home, and children set up a mess. And when there is enough of the mess, you stop seeing it. I never get used to it, I always hate it and it deplores me of my energy but I stop seeing it. Now I have started to see and started to do something to it too. Rome was not built in one day and here this organizing is an ever-ongoing process but it is delighting to see it works.

I may not write to you when I don't feel I am well but I still love you. I just don't want to bother you because there is not so much anyone can do - so I even use the "invisible" mode in chat so that no one would feel obliged to contact just because I am there.

I even know it spunds odd but it is how I feel in this state. The happy thing about it is that is goes by.