Colors again - and poems too!

I feel so happy! Somehow .... it is starting to feel somewhat more good than bad, and even a great deal of the time. I have in another blog written about my bother's death. It is still shown in my daily life and it will be so... I think I will never get used to it ... but perhaps I will learn to live with it.

I had been writing poems, earlier... much earlier. Then somehow I just did not write any more. I cannot tell why, but I just wrote what I got paid for. I remember I had a crisis with the home town magazine last year, I am chief-editing it and also write articles to it. There was some sort of crisis and I was afraid I would not get it done by any means. I got wonderful support from my friend who invested a lot of his time listening to me and discussing with me about what was difficult or felt overwhelming in each stadium of the work... and we got it done. Later, when I got paid for it, it did not feel right to keep the entire salary so I wanted to share it with him. I hope God blessed what I did.

But poems, or stories... I did not write at all. Now, when my brother died, I also felt that I lacked words entirely. With FM attacks it happened that I did not have words to tell how I feel or what was going on or what was wrong. It can still happen and it often happens in combination with those attacks. But now it also happened otherwise.

Now I have written poems again. It feels huge. I was writing the entire day yesterday and I felt really good and great and everything... it made me happy... really...
they were not perfect and nothing like that but they were poems... it was a start anyway... also I had started to wear colors on Friday. That felt really wonderful too! After my brother's death, I had been wearing black from tip to toe, and it started to feel suffocating. I was wearing an indian-style poncho, colorful so it made me happy really... and it felt like being able to breathe again, I even wore purple tights.... :D Today, that poncho again, but those tights I had thrown, they were squeezing in the feet part. But oh so happy I was about the colors again!

It may very well be that there are better days and worse days, about how I feel and about my ability to write - but I am not going to worry about that. Things feel good now so I am happy now - what tomorrow will bring will be that day's trouble.

I am worried though, about my husband. He had an infection and although it was treated he has not receovered. He tries to look as usual but I can see through him, and I am worried. He has been putting off weight which is good of course but it has happened all by itself and that is worrying. He has somehow lost his apetite - not good. He sleeps too little - even worse. It can be burn-out too, or stress if it is milder... an overwhelming work load and now all the sorrow we have had, and then all the worries all this has brought, economically and otherwise. Like I said in the other blog, our lives have not been the same after my brother's death - so many things have changed. We have also been forced to do more than before, accomplish more, even physically. He has taken care of the kids alone while I have been to the East to take care of mother, and my brother's things. It is not easy while one has to wake up at nights too to measure one of the girls' blood sugar - she is a diabetic like I have told earlier. He has done everything, all this and lots more, and not grumbled at all. A friend of mine called him saint. Well I think that is close enough! So I am really worried of him. He has not been doing proper shopping anymore - so I went shopping and now we have the things we need - otherwise we'd have run out of toilet paper for example. And bread. And cheese. And so on. I try to do more but then although I feel well and happy and strong so there are limits to what I can take too. Today I was really finished after work, driving the distance, purchasing diesel to the car, shopping, taking care of kid's homework... my brain stopped working.

Now I have put all the family to sleep and as also my husband is already asleep, I can go to sleep myself too. Yesterday he wanted me to come to sleep with him - but then he did not sleep! :D