Get down and stay there

Waked up in my bed this morning in indiscribable pain, unbale to move. Am I paying for yesterday's all-day laundry now or what? I laid there and felt every single cell in me aching like hell. I was thinking, "Was it for this that I chose to get well instead of getting pneumonia the other day, when I so clearly felt that I could choose - either give up and let go or fight for getting better? What kind of a reward is this?" I saw the pain again, but not in colours this time - I saw it as a black, mean monster present in the room, calmly watching. I felt being torn to pieces, the pieces being left up in the painful air, and smashed down with force. I laid there, hurting and crying - helpless cry when all my dignity was gone again, when I had no control over myself and what I did and how I felt and how I looked and behaved... helpless disgusting cry when all I wished for was a bit of relief - and there was none.

That black mean monster is my own body which has turned against itself and seems to say, "You have not suffered nearly enough yet..."

It is no use to ask for the meaning of suffering. There is no meaning for it. It just exists. Right now, as there is no other relief, I only wish it would knock me unconscious. The pain is way over what I tolerate but I have no means to put it on a tolerable level.

Happy Eid!

Happy Eid!

I am thankful

The Potential of Today and the Promise of Tomorrow
2009 November 26
tags: journey, life, love, potential, promise, thankful, Thanksgiving
by fibrohaven
I am thankful.

being_thankful

I am thankful for my smart, funny and charming husband. I am thankful for the years he selflessly held us together while never making me feel inadequate. I am thankful for his companionship, his commitment to our partnership, and his unending loyalty, support, and love.

I am thankful for my friends – old & new. My friends who know me sometimes better than my family. My friends who love and support me regardless of what I am able to contribute to our friendship. My friends who understand when I need to cancel a lunch date or head home early from an evening out. I am thankful for my awesome friends!

************

These are fragments from FibroHaven's blog in
http://networkedblogs.com/p19073711

I wanted to copy these fragments here because they could as well be written by me, they reflect what I feel too. I am thankful and grateful of you. I love you.

Swine flu, continued

HAd a couple of days tough time. Completely exhausted, had to stay in bed and could not do just anything. Coughed my lungs out. Stayed awake one night due to breathing problems. Had some kind of culmination last night, a sort of a physical feeling added with a thought of the easiness of giving up. I felt that I had come to the point where I could perhaps decide the direction to take: give up and get worse, or reach for overcoming the disease. I have never felt it so clearly before, but this feeling was also physical and it was tangible.

This morning my wonderful husband hugged me and said that I feel better. How did he know, just by hugging me? Blessings of having been married for so long! I love it! Today my temperature has been normal with the strong meds I have. Today I have been sweating every time I do something, eating included. Today I have felt hungry for the first time in days. Today I have been strong enough to take a shower. I have been talking in the phone - part of my voice back, and still coughing my lungs out. Last night I could sleep again. I was woken up by asthma and coughing but it did not make me frightened. I still feel frustrated and useless and I struggle to accept those feelings and the fact that I am useless and can't be anything else right now. I have also felt touched many times today - by kindness and caring. I have heard words that I will treasure in my heart. I have been crying a lot, for all good reasons possible. People talk to me in a kind, soft voice... why, actually? Do I feel and look so ill really? But this is a tough disease. I wish I will overcome it without any further harm. There are people who pray for me - and that touches my heart really a lot.

Immigration in Finland by Egypt Today

http://www.egypttoday.com/article.aspx?ArticleID=8708

Another swine flu day

Yet another swine flu day. Have been sitting by my desk half a day. Collected dishes to the dish-washer in the morning and started it, re-loaded the washing machine, combed the girls' hairs for school... I have been studying Google Wave today, and I still don't know how to send an invitation to it. But I started to plan our trip to Malta by it. Nice tool but there are things to be developed yet, it is not as user-friendly as it no doubt aims to be. It is beta.

I feel tired and foggy and achy today.

Husband is ill too

Not only am I having swine flu: my beloved husband is ill too and I am so worried of him! Also two of three kids are not healthy,a nd the third one has just about recovered after having been ill for about one week... Oh my God... :/

Got swine flu

Good morning! No wonder I have been so tremendously ill in the week-end. Now I needed sick leave and contacted the nurse who made swine flu diagnosis. I can stay away from work this week. I am really weak and ill. And I have aches and pains like never before. Stay healthy there!

Having flu, and a fibro flare

Fibro Flare Going On

The fibro flare is going on. It started the night before yesterday. Last night it got so bad that I could not sleep. Even wearing clothes caused too mch pain and was intolerable. The pain is on an intolerable level but I don't have any alternative, I have to be in this hurting body which is driving me mad. I am hurting immensely all over, including eye lids and just everything. No pain killers really "bite" now - I am taking them all which is not so much. I am also having flu, or influenza - whatever, the horrible disease that has already made all other family members ill. Maybe it is the cause of the fibro flare too. (I think flare is fibro slang, it means a pain attack which can last from hours to days, weeks and months). I am having fibro fog too, so even writing - typing is difficult because thinking is difficult, and i mistype in an awful way too, no word comes right to begin with, and I am not sure whether anything of what I write makes sense.

My husband is really nice, he is fussing on me, telling me to stay in bed and being worried that I get some additional diseases if I don't take it absolutely easy and just rest. He is so wonderful, I love him so much and I am the happiest woman on earth to have him, and to have had him all these past 20 years! He went to the pharmacy to get the additional medication I need for asthma now as I have breathing difficulties, and yesterday evening he came home from shopping and told me he had bought my favorite ice cream, and then he made spaghetti sauce with lots of garlic and onions and tomatoes to help me feel and get better.

Posting my postcards

I have postcrossing as a hobby (www.postcrossing.com). I find it very nice and relaxing and fun! This morning I left three written postcards with stamps on them on my printer in the upper floor, and then asked my husband to post them since I was already in the car and about to drive off for work. He promised. I must write this here: there is a mail box on his way to work, it will be emptieed each working day at 16. He could have just put them there. But he didn't. He drove 8 km to the one and only mail box in town which is emptied already at 9 so that they would get faster off - and this before driving to work. I think he is amazing. And when I come home he comes out to the yard to meet me, carries my bags and handbag and shopping indoors for me - after hugging and kissing me. I am really lucky to have him, and I am happy of him, and I love him more than anything.

Changes in the mood

I was reading through my previous post. Those mood problems and feelings of an outsider seemed to pass so that when I was seeing my doctor the day before yesterday I told her that I thought they were history. Well they are not. I started to feel bad again yesterday. I simply feel unhappy and extra loaded by all diseases and I cannot understand how anyone can be in this state... It is ridiculous that I am feeling bad and isolated and alone when yesterday I had my phones ringing all the time and a continuous flood of sms:s and I had chat converstaions and .... my husband was on a business tour but he contacted several times during the day and how many times did he tell me that he loved me... in each and every message and every phone call and in the evening every time he popped in in between all that he was doing... I was NOT alone, the discussions were good and between close friends, not just indifferent talking.... everybody who is important to me was present in my life yesterday.... and in the middle of all that HUGE social life I feel lonely, left alone, outsider. In my sense I know it is not a feeling based by facts, and my sensible self keeps telling me that I am NOT lonely and I am not left alone or anything by anyone.... I am not even rejected because my friend has been explaining her behavior and contacting several times after I got hurt and I understand now it has nothing to do with me.... and still this feeling persists. Today I woke up with a basically unhappy feeling, and when my husband woked up to see me out - he starts my car, he carries my bags and handbag and everything... he ran upstairs for me and took down my cell phones that I had left there... he is so kind and does so many amazing things for me, and even more than so - he has done so all these 20 years... when he performs like a saint (a friend of mine called him that, knowing all that he does) I feel nobody loves me, nobody cares for me... I have no reason whatsoever to feel like I do, and it is not typical for me either. I am not used in having good days and bad days, I have had basically good days and days have been pretty even, according to my level of happiness or whatever. Now they are not. And this feeling, when I am unhappy... I start the day crying although everything is fine... an empty, indifferent, useless, non-existent feeling. Horrible.

This is not healthy. This is certainly a warning sign and I must watch it. I must read the instructions of Cymbalta really well again, and then discuss with my husband about what to do. I cannot stand this out. I can stand the good days but the bad days drive me to insanity.

Side effects again

When I was quitting Lyrica, my doctor put me on Cymbalta. It does not work on its full effect yet but the pain has eased remarkably and I have the feeling that I have less foggy days or moments too. Now I am on full dose of Cymbalta (for a week already) and I am wondering if I am having one of those side effects again... they will go by in three months, said my doctor... so.... if I can make up my mind on whether it is a side effect or not.... then I have to make up my mind on whether I can stand it out for three months... or whether it is safe to wait for so long...

I feel very undecisive. I am also starting to feel like an outsider. I feel like withdrawing from everything, and when I do, I end up blaming myself of not being there with others or for others, not taking part, not doing this or that... I am like questioning my own value all the time, and doing things I don't approve of. I also feel I am too dependent on other people and their doings and sayings and I don't want to be like that so I withdraw even more, to prove myself that I don't care.

I also react very strongly to things which I would normally let pass and not care. I was deeply hurt by being rejected by a moslem because of my faith. We had good conversations until the moment when he realized that I was a believing Christian to whom faith meant really a lot. Things like this happen, this is not the first time, and he was by no means anything special. The difference is that now I react really unreasonably and feel deeply hurt. - I also had an agreement with a friend of mine to meet her. Foggy as I am, I had made the first appointment with her on my husband's 50th birthday so I had to cancel it. Now I could not go this week either because I have hurt my back and I am on sick leave - besides, even the day was wrong because it was the day when we have our Arabic lessons, as my husband kindly reminded me. I cannot control these flops although I do my best because if I am foggy, I am and I cannot perform faultfree. And how could I know I would hurt my back right now? Now she told me we can as well meet next year, she is tired and she has problems at work.... she is like that, she has been like that all the time - and I understand I have hurt her - okey, she has hurt me too. I feel rejected because of my illness. And it hurts really a lot. But of course I am rejected by it all the time and I should not care - people are like that, and I know I am difficult, canceling appointments and things like that. I think I will be trying to avoid all kinds of appointments - which will make me even more isolated and feeling an outsider.

Some part of my mind tells me this is perhaps a warning signal on that the medication I am taking now is causing depressive thinking and that it is not healthy. I feel it important to write down how I feel and what I think about it, so that if I need to consult a doctor, I can explain the problem to her.
*************

I have here in between been reading about Cymbalta, and the experiences people have had. The side effects are said to be strongest in tghe beginning, especially self-destructive thoughts (which to me seem to mean that feeling of isolation and of an outsider) but in the end it has turned the opposite though not with everybody... I don't know if I am any wiser. I will wait and see and pray this goes by and I will be back to normal again.

Fibromyalgia: The Diet Connection

Fibromyalgia: The Diet Connection

Helpful Darling Husband

I promised to make dinner today. I am staying at home on sick leave due to back pain. Actually, cooking makes back pain worse. My sweet husband took the lasagne bowl out of the cupboard (down on the floor level, impossible for me to reach without pain now) and he also took the steaking pan out of another cupboard (high up, also an impossible place for me to go to right now). The kettle I can reach for myself. I feel really grateful for such kind assistance and thoughtfulness - I did not even ask for any favors like that!

Back to the laundry now.

Fibro Fog

This is part of the mail I sent to a dear friend of mine. I want to add it here too, in case there are more people who want to know about fibro fog. There are more precise documentations about it, sure - this is just what I feel and what I ahve to live with.

I was asked what fibro fog, or brain fog, is. A friend of mine made the same question before, in chat, and I pasted and copied what I told him, and that time I was ”foggy” so I was describing how I felt. I have left his comments out but he was really encouraging and supportive and I am so grateful of that. I am also grateful for your prayers, they are really needed and appreciated. The other day when I was having my council meeting at work in the evening, I was asked a lot of things like I usually am, but then as I was having a fibro fog attack, it happened that in the middle of the sentence I lost the clue of what I was saying and I could not fix it anyhow so I had to say that I had a black-out... it happened twice.... with a condition like this, it is always risky to do things that are included in my work like meetings where you have to answer a lot of questions and usually don't know beforehand what you will be asked about – and things like MC:ing festivities, feasts, celebrations, other occasions and such...
********

Here is the chat about fibro fog:

it is something you have when you have fibro, it comes in attacks and it is called brain for or fibro fog.... a "colleague" fibromite calls it fibrosmog.... anyway.... i think it is what it sounds like, your head filled with some damn fog which just prevents you from thinking logically and from doing things, from being systematical and well.... makes you feeel like you suddenly have a strange idiot in the place of your own brain....

it usually comes with pain attacks - not always - but i have no pains now and i still ahve it...

it is only awful as long as it lasts and it goes by, i know.... and anyway this is not so bad... because i know what is wrong..... the worst is when i have it and i dont knnow it because then i feel really lost until rikard tells me what is wrong.... that it is not me gone mad suddenly or something

it just needs a lot of concentration to get anything sensible out and typed right..... i was typing simple greetings here in between to a few people, nothing much but a few sentences,... and i had to check them letter by letter because i tend to type just whatever, words that dont mean anything because i just dont hit right

My Twexperience on Twitter

My Twexperience on Twitter

Quitting Lyrica

Today, I have taken the last tablet of Lyrica. From tomorrow, I am off that medicine! It feels good, really really good! It almost took my life but the status of asthma has stabilized now - although it is not yet perfectly good (it takes time) but it is so much better anyway! It feels like a triumph to finally be in this state! My last day on Lyrica, woooow!!!!

It has been a slow process, quitting that medication, as it has been reduced by and by. Pain is back but usually not too bad to tolerate, and anyway I have been able to use quite strong pain killers that do not trigger asthma. They are not very many though or so it seems. One which was very good resulted in more than one doctor telling me that it can cause heart attacks, so I quitted that too.

What is bothering me most these days is fibro fog - I have it to some extend almost every day and it seems to be somewhere between me and the world. And the other thing that bothers is stiffness. Otherwise I am so much better than before..

I have been in a really bad state due to medication. I hope and pray I don't need to wittness anything like that anymore.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY RIKARD!

I AM SO PROUD OF THIS 50-YO WONDERFUL HUSBAND OF MINE! I LOVE YOU RIKARD!