Posts
Not indeed a good day. Positive:; Took some photos and I like them. Unfortunatelly, I cannpt upload any of them here anymore since I am over my quota here, according to uploaded photos. Visit my Windows Live Spaces at
http://cid-0ad0877f4496c62d.skydrive.live.com/albums.aspx
to see them.
Painful, painful day. I am completely exhausted by the pain.
Saturday, October 31, 2009
Friday, October 30, 2009
GOOD NEWS EVERYONE!
GOOD NEWS EVERYONE
This is good news to all of you who have been following our struggle with our youngest daughter's blood glucose. She is a diabetic and we got alerted when the possibility of insulin resistence was mentioned during her last visit to the diabetes clinic. As the other possibility was puberty and hormones messing up with insulin, we have now been using more insulin than the actual per weight amount would be - about 20 - 30 % more. Also our little one (12 years and 3 days) has got alerted because she knows very well what insulin resistence means, and she has been very strict and careful in all measuring and remembering her insulin times and such. We still fail to get her blood glucose down enough at night time but at daytime it is good with this bigger dose of insulin. She also feels seemingly better. It feels very touching to see it. Thanks God, it was not insulin resistence. I feel so happy, and also so relieved. Thank you all for your prayers! You are treasures! God bless you!
This is good news to all of you who have been following our struggle with our youngest daughter's blood glucose. She is a diabetic and we got alerted when the possibility of insulin resistence was mentioned during her last visit to the diabetes clinic. As the other possibility was puberty and hormones messing up with insulin, we have now been using more insulin than the actual per weight amount would be - about 20 - 30 % more. Also our little one (12 years and 3 days) has got alerted because she knows very well what insulin resistence means, and she has been very strict and careful in all measuring and remembering her insulin times and such. We still fail to get her blood glucose down enough at night time but at daytime it is good with this bigger dose of insulin. She also feels seemingly better. It feels very touching to see it. Thanks God, it was not insulin resistence. I feel so happy, and also so relieved. Thank you all for your prayers! You are treasures! God bless you!
Abnormally high blood sugar values at night
We still fail to have normal blood glucose values for our daughter at night. This night's and morning's values were between 11 and 13 - normal would be 4 to 8.
Another daughter stays at home today, stomach disease.
Another daughter stays at home today, stomach disease.
Thursday, October 29, 2009
Problematic diabetes
Our daughter's diabetes is not in balance, the state is very serious. I feel more worried than I can tell. We're doing all we can... the terrible words "insulin resistence" were mentioned and if it is that... Please pray that it is not!
I, on the other hand, had too low blood glucose in the morning and I was shaking till I had coffee bread & chokolate on coffee break. Scary!
It is scary because I did not realize what was wrong, thought I was getting ill because it started when I went to shower and the shower room and sauna were unheated and I felt soooo cold there... I kept shaking all over ever since. It was blood sugar though because it stopped with those sweet treats.
I, on the other hand, had too low blood glucose in the morning and I was shaking till I had coffee bread & chokolate on coffee break. Scary!
It is scary because I did not realize what was wrong, thought I was getting ill because it started when I went to shower and the shower room and sauna were unheated and I felt soooo cold there... I kept shaking all over ever since. It was blood sugar though because it stopped with those sweet treats.
Saturday, October 24, 2009
Valuable suffering
When we think of pain, and other suffering, we tend to think that it should be eliminated. That it is not really life but something extra that does not belong to life at all. And that we would be better off, life would be better, we would be happier without it. Right?
Wrong. Suffering is part of life. Suffering is a VALUABLE part of life. I am now talking about merely suffering which is caused by illness... for simplicity, I exclude all suffering which is caused by inhuman actions against our fellow human beings, violence in its every aspect, be it how small or how big ever, and be it physical, or mental.
We tend to think that if we suffer, we are not whole human beings. We think that suffering makes us less valuable. This is how much we adore things like health, youth, sanity. Like nazis. Our way to think about suffering resembles of discrimination nazis used in their Reich. Our adoring youth, health, painfree being - is what nazis did too.
I must be working on this thought to make it real in my own life and in my own attitude. Less suffering is perhaps an easier way to live but it is not a more valuable way to live. That I am often in pain does not mean that my life is not valuable. Or that it is not as real, or as much life, as it would be without pain. Pain causes suffering. Sometimes it causes more suffering than I think I can take. Still, those painfilled moments are precisely as valuable as painfree moments. They are as much life. They are as valuable part of life. I am as valuable in those moments than I am in any other moment. Life is as much worth while on those moments as it is when it is easier.
Even being disabled (in my case) by pain, physically, or by brain fog, mentally, is a valuable part of my life. When I think back of the moments of disability and those people who have wittnessed it and their reactions - to see how great people they are, how well they take it, how equal to themselves they talk to me, how loving, caring and kind they are, to know that my life and I have been blessed by these truly great people - it is worth all suffering. Compared to that, suffering means nothing at all. Seen in this context, suffering becomes a thing that makes life rich. I could have found out the greatness of all those peole also otherwise, but I am not so sure about it. Suffering has been a blessing. It will continue to be so.
I am not saying that life with suffering is MORE valuable than life without suffering. It is still allowed and possible to pray for relief. Relief is a good thing. But if there is no relief, life is still good, I am still alive, I am still a feeling human being, I am still the same me than I am without pain. When I talk about pain, I am not talking about it as something apart from my life. I am talking about my life, such as it is. Sometimes pain is all I can talk about because it is so overwhelming. Sometimes I can talk about other things too.
Pain and suffering is not the only thing that matters in my life either, and getting painfreee is not the only need I have. I have the same basic needs that everybody has: I need love, care, affection, acceptance, I need to be fed, I need to be sexually satisfied, I need food for thought, I need faith, I need good friends, my family, work, hobbies... and I need to talk about all things in life although in my case pain is what is the most dominating thing very often. It does not exclude all other things though.
It is perhaps easier to show love and caring by wishing that I was painfree, that I was well. It is more demanding to show love and caring knowing and accepting that I will never be any better but that I can get worse. This is as much true for myself as it is for my near ones.
To accept suffering as a valuable, good part of life, something that is worth while and that makes life rich, is perhaps a lifetime task for me and my dear ones. But even the learning process can be a blessing. I have the feeling that many of my loved ones are a lot ahead of me in that process. I have the feeling that many times they love me more than I love myself.
Wrong. Suffering is part of life. Suffering is a VALUABLE part of life. I am now talking about merely suffering which is caused by illness... for simplicity, I exclude all suffering which is caused by inhuman actions against our fellow human beings, violence in its every aspect, be it how small or how big ever, and be it physical, or mental.
We tend to think that if we suffer, we are not whole human beings. We think that suffering makes us less valuable. This is how much we adore things like health, youth, sanity. Like nazis. Our way to think about suffering resembles of discrimination nazis used in their Reich. Our adoring youth, health, painfree being - is what nazis did too.
I must be working on this thought to make it real in my own life and in my own attitude. Less suffering is perhaps an easier way to live but it is not a more valuable way to live. That I am often in pain does not mean that my life is not valuable. Or that it is not as real, or as much life, as it would be without pain. Pain causes suffering. Sometimes it causes more suffering than I think I can take. Still, those painfilled moments are precisely as valuable as painfree moments. They are as much life. They are as valuable part of life. I am as valuable in those moments than I am in any other moment. Life is as much worth while on those moments as it is when it is easier.
Even being disabled (in my case) by pain, physically, or by brain fog, mentally, is a valuable part of my life. When I think back of the moments of disability and those people who have wittnessed it and their reactions - to see how great people they are, how well they take it, how equal to themselves they talk to me, how loving, caring and kind they are, to know that my life and I have been blessed by these truly great people - it is worth all suffering. Compared to that, suffering means nothing at all. Seen in this context, suffering becomes a thing that makes life rich. I could have found out the greatness of all those peole also otherwise, but I am not so sure about it. Suffering has been a blessing. It will continue to be so.
I am not saying that life with suffering is MORE valuable than life without suffering. It is still allowed and possible to pray for relief. Relief is a good thing. But if there is no relief, life is still good, I am still alive, I am still a feeling human being, I am still the same me than I am without pain. When I talk about pain, I am not talking about it as something apart from my life. I am talking about my life, such as it is. Sometimes pain is all I can talk about because it is so overwhelming. Sometimes I can talk about other things too.
Pain and suffering is not the only thing that matters in my life either, and getting painfreee is not the only need I have. I have the same basic needs that everybody has: I need love, care, affection, acceptance, I need to be fed, I need to be sexually satisfied, I need food for thought, I need faith, I need good friends, my family, work, hobbies... and I need to talk about all things in life although in my case pain is what is the most dominating thing very often. It does not exclude all other things though.
It is perhaps easier to show love and caring by wishing that I was painfree, that I was well. It is more demanding to show love and caring knowing and accepting that I will never be any better but that I can get worse. This is as much true for myself as it is for my near ones.
To accept suffering as a valuable, good part of life, something that is worth while and that makes life rich, is perhaps a lifetime task for me and my dear ones. But even the learning process can be a blessing. I have the feeling that many of my loved ones are a lot ahead of me in that process. I have the feeling that many times they love me more than I love myself.
Monday, October 19, 2009
An angry and human medical experiment "rabbit"
I feel like a rabbit in medical experiments. I am really really frustrated. All else is in control but pain is ruining my life, my health, whatever. Last drop has been this experiment with Lyrica. It was about to take my life. I have been suffering for an entire year about severe consequences which we now think have been a complication caused by this medicine. Some of them have been listed in the "official" side effects but some are surprising. Anyway I am the one who takes it all, it is my body they are messing up, it is me..... indeed me..... who am now struggling with everything I have to fix after that..... I am so angry.... I am so frustrated.... This disease has robbed me of my self-control and my dignity... it has made me submit to all these tests and all experimenting with medication.... it has made me take life-threatening meds because in the end, when it gets really bad, I cannot take it and I don't really care much what the relief is only it comes. I had to do something and I have no boxing bag to deal with my aggressions, so I have been screaming... really screaming aloud when I came home, and then I started to make a collage about my ekg... a perfectly healthy one but also that, and x-rays, and heaven knows what more, were taken to find out if I had heart failure... I cannot describe my feelings.... good of course that nothing is wrong and a real miracle that I have even managed to heal from something here in between, while all this mess has been going on in my body... ohhhhh shit I hate this all, I really do....
Thursday, October 15, 2009
Wonderful news!
The house of my brother - the one which has been damaged by fire and lots of water by the fire brigade - had been for sale for just a couple of days, and it is already sold. It means that my nightmare which has been going on ever since my brother was killed in the fire for more than a year ago is completely over, forever. We still have the farm, all his debts are paid, all payments from the insurance company have arrived, and now even the house is sold. I am so happy and grateful. It feels so good, a real luxury, to start living my own usual everyday life again. I cannot thank God enough for that. And I cannot thank my family and my wonderful friends enough for all support and help I have got. Even knowing I had made it, I had saved the farm, made me feel so relieved that there suddenly was space for passionate feelings about job-related things - it felt good. So much goodness and kindness and love and caring as I have received these past days feels just incredible.
Sweet lies and music
Can you hear the music
made by pain
played by me
for you to see
and feel
if you can hear me
All the time
I tell sweet lies
I'm fine, I'm fine
so no one tries
to come too near
to see, to hear
To hear
the music
made by pain.
Relax
My dear
This night's
In vain.
made by pain
played by me
for you to see
and feel
if you can hear me
All the time
I tell sweet lies
I'm fine, I'm fine
so no one tries
to come too near
to see, to hear
To hear
the music
made by pain.
Relax
My dear
This night's
In vain.
Saturday, October 10, 2009
Embraced
I have been hugged today for a hundred times, about. I have been embraced by caring and kind words and messages from around the world, not to talk about the caring and love I have received at home. I have been in incredible pain all day and not only felt crippled by it but also been crippled by it, unable to perform tasks that belong to normal life, like getting out of bed, or dressing up. When the pain eased a bit for a while, I was so exhausted by it that I fell asleep.
It is so true and I want to remember it always: pain and stiffness stays by me but ALSO, and much more importantly, I have a couple of true friends that always stay by me no matter what, and my family who always stays by me too. I am surrounded by love and caring from above, and from all sides. That thought is more healing than anything else. I am so happy and proud and privileged to have friends to remind me of it when I forget it myself. With this level of pain, it is easy to forget.
It is so true and I want to remember it always: pain and stiffness stays by me but ALSO, and much more importantly, I have a couple of true friends that always stay by me no matter what, and my family who always stays by me too. I am surrounded by love and caring from above, and from all sides. That thought is more healing than anything else. I am so happy and proud and privileged to have friends to remind me of it when I forget it myself. With this level of pain, it is easy to forget.
Gray matter loss in brain
Yet Another Study Showing Decreased Gray Matter in the Brains of Fibromyalgia Patients
http://fibroresearch.blogspot.com/2009/05/yet-another-study-showing-decreased.html
The finds of decreased gray matter in brains always feel terrifying to me. But which one comes first? Continuous stress alters brain; what about continuous, intolerable pain? Do the alterations come first, and cause the pain, or do we have those gray matter losses because we have pain that goes beyond words more often than not? Means, would a more effective treatment (what, I don't know) reduce the gray matter loss? And how to live with the loss?
http://fibroresearch.blogspot.com/2009/05/yet-another-study-showing-decreased.html
The finds of decreased gray matter in brains always feel terrifying to me. But which one comes first? Continuous stress alters brain; what about continuous, intolerable pain? Do the alterations come first, and cause the pain, or do we have those gray matter losses because we have pain that goes beyond words more often than not? Means, would a more effective treatment (what, I don't know) reduce the gray matter loss? And how to live with the loss?
Cold
Thre first minusdegrees came, the first discomfort with cold weather, the first cold caught. Both I am DH have flu. It has just mild symptoms otherwise but I am really sore and achy and extremely stiff all over. I can hardly climb the stairs because of the pain and stiffness. I feel impatient where ever I am, no matter if it is in bed or in the dining room or by my desk. All I know about is the pain. I have taken all pain killers I have but nothing works. I am desperate and I also took celecoxib which I have been told can cause heart attacks and which I have avoided taking. We were supposed to drive to the farm today. Maybe we can tomorrow? Today I can't do anything. I'd love to have more energy and to be more active so this is really depressing. It is going to be a dull day.
Wednesday, October 7, 2009
Daytime walking
Nowadays it is already dark when I get home from work. I have for long already wanted to take it as a habit to go for a walk every day by noon. It is light then, and I can get fresh air and sunshine and get in a better condition and get evergy for the rest of the day. After I had my asthma control and heard that everything was fine except of an excess of mucus, I could start moving again. So far I have managed going out each and every day. Sometimes it has been difficult to slip out of the door due to customers coming in (lol) but I have gone when I have got their issues solved. Also today: it was raining and storming heavily in the morning but it stopped raining till my lunch hour. And when I got out, even the sun showed a glimpse of itself through the clouds. I did not get wet at all, and I could have a nice walk and enjoy feeling worth it. Sometimes it feels very painful but I do it anyway. Sometimes I am not sure if I can make it back but so far I have always been able to. It always makes me stiff but I persistently hope that it will get easier when I get used to it. I hope and pray that I will stay healthy so I can go on with it.
The morning storm is coming back, I can feel it. It is squeezing my shoulders and causing severe pain in arms and hands and fingers. I hope I can keep my ability to think and work though, it is about important things these days anyway.
The morning storm is coming back, I can feel it. It is squeezing my shoulders and causing severe pain in arms and hands and fingers. I hope I can keep my ability to think and work though, it is about important things these days anyway.
Tuesday, October 6, 2009
In moments of loneliness
In moments of loneliness
When everybody else is gone
Pain is keeping me company
Whispering tenderly in my ear,
"You are mine"
And smiling
Nicely.
When everybody else is gone
Pain is keeping me company
Whispering tenderly in my ear,
"You are mine"
And smiling
Nicely.
Monday, October 5, 2009
Moments of loneliness
Moments of loneliness
In moments of loneliness
When I have thrown everybody out
In my deep frustration of not
Being able to say
That I hurt
In moments of loneliness
Pain is keeping me company
Whispering tenderly in my ear:
”You are mine”
And smiling
Nicely
In moments of loneliness
When I have thrown everybody out
In my deep frustration of not
Being able to say
That I hurt
In moments of loneliness
Pain is keeping me company
Whispering tenderly in my ear:
”You are mine”
And smiling
Nicely
Sleep
Yesterday evening, after a couple of moderate flaring days and one ultimate, I decided I had to sleep better than I had been doing. My body simply does not produce all hormons, chemicals or whatever needed for good sleep, so I must take a replacement. I was adding my 10 mg amitriptyline to 20 mg because simply, the 10 mg does not work. Well I was so surprised when I woke up at 6:50 this morning! I had been sleeping! Wooooooow! And it felt good I can assure you! Now it is afternoon and I feel sleepy again. I think almost it is worth celebration! :)
Pain is here (fragments of thoughts during a pain flare)
Pain is here (fragments of thoughts during a pain flare)
I have heard something important
Something I need to repeat
Pain is not ennobling
Pain does not make me into a better person
Pain is intolerable
It just is here
Without any meaning
It is tearing me apart
It is making me impatient
It is closing everything outside
It is closing everybody outside
It is here, keeping me totally for itself
Even though I need comfort
I cannot ask for it
I never find words
Even though I need encouragement
I cannot ask for it either
I never know what to say
Even though I need company
I get impatient on everyone
I throw everybody out
And then I am angry
When they go
Pain is here
And whenever it is here
I know it means loneliness
Complete solitude
Everybody else is out
And I cannot get close to anyone
This pain goes beyond words
When it is here
I can hardly say I am in pain
No words come out if I try
Pain is here and my body feels lost and alone
It is here
And even my heart and soul
are bound to loneliness
feel completely lost too.
And the only company there is
Is pain
Something I need to repeat
Pain is not ennobling
Pain does not make me into a better person
Pain is intolerable
It just is here
Without any meaning
It is tearing me apart
It is making me impatient
It is closing everything outside
It is closing everybody outside
It is here, keeping me totally for itself
Even though I need comfort
I cannot ask for it
I never find words
Even though I need encouragement
I cannot ask for it either
I never know what to say
Even though I need company
I get impatient on everyone
I throw everybody out
And then I am angry
When they go
Pain is here
And whenever it is here
I know it means loneliness
Complete solitude
Everybody else is out
And I cannot get close to anyone
This pain goes beyond words
When it is here
I can hardly say I am in pain
No words come out if I try
Pain is here and my body feels lost and alone
It is here
And even my heart and soul
are bound to loneliness
feel completely lost too.
And the only company there is
Is pain
Sunday, October 4, 2009
The essence of pain
I am quoting a good description ofd pain here.
The entire article is here:
http://www.nytimes.com/2009/09/22/health/22case.html?_r=3&ref=health
and it is written by Dana Jennings.
Here it goes:
... pain falls into two broad categories: the kind you can articulate, and pain that is beyond words.
I was humbled by pain that to me seemed to transcend the basic medical scale of 1 (mildest) to 10 (most severe). And pain is a path to humility. When it hurts just to wriggle up in bed, elbows digging into the mattress for support, you generally don’t think of yourself as sitting atop the food chain.
*****************
The next quotes, you can find in
http://chronicfatigue.about.com/b/2009/09/25/fibromyalgia-blog-perspective-on-pain.htm
and they are written by Adrienne Dellwo:
When it comes to severe, unrelenting pain, however, it can make us feel weak, lost and alone. Pain can take everything good away from you. I don't come out of those episodes stronger -- I come out of them shaken to the core.
"All the worst pain does is reduce us to our most primal animal." This is a beautiful and accurate description of what I've been unable to express in the past -- the desperation we face, the loss of reason and rationality, the absolute, primal need for relief. Now.
The entire article is here:
http://www.nytimes.com/2009/09/22/health/22case.html?_r=3&ref=health
and it is written by Dana Jennings.
Here it goes:
... pain falls into two broad categories: the kind you can articulate, and pain that is beyond words.
I was humbled by pain that to me seemed to transcend the basic medical scale of 1 (mildest) to 10 (most severe). And pain is a path to humility. When it hurts just to wriggle up in bed, elbows digging into the mattress for support, you generally don’t think of yourself as sitting atop the food chain.
And pain is a teacher. More than ever, I understand how abhorrent it is to inflict pain. I have learned to distinguish between mere discomfort and pain that can’t be tolerated. And tough-guy popular culture — oh, great, ultimate fighting on Spike TV — doesn’t impress me at all.
I have no patience these days with the Nietzschean cliché, “That which does not kill us makes us stronger.” I’ve found that the deepest pain holds no meaning. It is not purifying. It is not ennobling. It does not make you a better human being. It just is.
All the worst pain does is reduce us to our most primal animal. We want it to stop. We want to survive. It short-circuits any sense of self, diminishes us to a bundle of biological reflexes.*****************
The next quotes, you can find in
http://chronicfatigue.about.com/b/2009/09/25/fibromyalgia-blog-perspective-on-pain.htm
and they are written by Adrienne Dellwo:
When it comes to severe, unrelenting pain, however, it can make us feel weak, lost and alone. Pain can take everything good away from you. I don't come out of those episodes stronger -- I come out of them shaken to the core.
"All the worst pain does is reduce us to our most primal animal." This is a beautiful and accurate description of what I've been unable to express in the past -- the desperation we face, the loss of reason and rationality, the absolute, primal need for relief. Now.
Cymbalta
Cymbalta is now tried on side of Lyrica which has been reduced and will be cut off completely.
Life with Cymbalta is not easy either. I was checking the list of side effects to see how many of my new oddities are explained by the known side effects of Cymbalta.
Not few. Or what do you think:
*Headache. (I have had that sort of almost incontinuous head ache which I have never had before. This feels very sharp, completely different from before.)
*Tiredness, problems sleeping, bad quaqlity of sleeping. I can sleep 2 - 3 hours per night.
*Added yawning. (Of course, because I don't sleep enough. I don't feel sleepy but even so, I have today been yawning my jaws off.)
*Feeling sick. Yep. 7 kg gone just like that. This side effect I could even keep since thanks to Lyrica, I have a lot to lose in weight.
*Tinnitus. I have it even from before, it is continuous and never stops for a second but now I hear it much louder than before.
*Eczem. It seems I have nothing in my stomach skin other than scarves from pregnancies and a very thin skin but i have been scratching it like a maniac since it feels so itchy - and now applying body lotions too.
*Cold fingers and toes. Yep. Definitely.
*Cold sweat.
*Shaky muscles. Today I felt my legs would not carry me. It went by pretty soon but anyway... not a nice feeling.
And all this I have now, when I am taking the minimum dose. What if it gets doubled, because it is not working at its fullest now? Will it add on the effect of the side effects too?
And what if there is no medication? What if there is pain and no medication?
Celecoxib has helped tame the overflow of pain when the basic medication has not been enough, but I stopped taking it when my asthma doctor told me it has caused heart attacks.
About asthma, my asthma doctor was satisfied that I had found the reason for the worsening symptoms and had been able to prove and eliminate them. Now I can move again, which has not been the case for long since I ahve been suffocating.
On Friday and Saturday I have been out, walking, gardening... I must go on with it, it is something I can do to my burn out symptoms, to prevent them.
I have a dream. I want to get rid of medication. Perhaps not overnight but anyway. I don't want to constantly worry about side effects and safety. During the past one year or so I have quitted three medicines that have been life-threatening - to me, or to someone else. Lyrica was life-threatening to me because of asthma. The two others have been drawn out of market.
But I should also remain able to work, live and love as normally as possible. And I am NOT willing to start trying all kinds of possible aids and healings the world and market is full of. It would be an endless trying and disappointing, like it has been with medication. But there is a jungle of all kinds of healers and products, aiming to profit from the need to make life tolerable.
I feel more than confused. But so far, I have a dream at least.
Life with Cymbalta is not easy either. I was checking the list of side effects to see how many of my new oddities are explained by the known side effects of Cymbalta.
Not few. Or what do you think:
*Headache. (I have had that sort of almost incontinuous head ache which I have never had before. This feels very sharp, completely different from before.)
*Tiredness, problems sleeping, bad quaqlity of sleeping. I can sleep 2 - 3 hours per night.
*Added yawning. (Of course, because I don't sleep enough. I don't feel sleepy but even so, I have today been yawning my jaws off.)
*Feeling sick. Yep. 7 kg gone just like that. This side effect I could even keep since thanks to Lyrica, I have a lot to lose in weight.
*Tinnitus. I have it even from before, it is continuous and never stops for a second but now I hear it much louder than before.
*Eczem. It seems I have nothing in my stomach skin other than scarves from pregnancies and a very thin skin but i have been scratching it like a maniac since it feels so itchy - and now applying body lotions too.
*Cold fingers and toes. Yep. Definitely.
*Cold sweat.
*Shaky muscles. Today I felt my legs would not carry me. It went by pretty soon but anyway... not a nice feeling.
And all this I have now, when I am taking the minimum dose. What if it gets doubled, because it is not working at its fullest now? Will it add on the effect of the side effects too?
And what if there is no medication? What if there is pain and no medication?
Celecoxib has helped tame the overflow of pain when the basic medication has not been enough, but I stopped taking it when my asthma doctor told me it has caused heart attacks.
About asthma, my asthma doctor was satisfied that I had found the reason for the worsening symptoms and had been able to prove and eliminate them. Now I can move again, which has not been the case for long since I ahve been suffocating.
On Friday and Saturday I have been out, walking, gardening... I must go on with it, it is something I can do to my burn out symptoms, to prevent them.
I have a dream. I want to get rid of medication. Perhaps not overnight but anyway. I don't want to constantly worry about side effects and safety. During the past one year or so I have quitted three medicines that have been life-threatening - to me, or to someone else. Lyrica was life-threatening to me because of asthma. The two others have been drawn out of market.
But I should also remain able to work, live and love as normally as possible. And I am NOT willing to start trying all kinds of possible aids and healings the world and market is full of. It would be an endless trying and disappointing, like it has been with medication. But there is a jungle of all kinds of healers and products, aiming to profit from the need to make life tolerable.
I feel more than confused. But so far, I have a dream at least.
Saturday, October 3, 2009
So much to be happy for
I got flowers from my wonderful Dear Husband yesterday. Ohh how good it feels! It is so lovely when after a crash like that which I had, also good things happen. This is above all of course.
But also, a work mate of mine paid attention and commented my looks: I had dressed in matching tones - shirt, jacket, hair accessories - and she said I had so wonderful colours. It felt good.
Then, a friend to my late brother called and said he'd like to meet. He had other things to tell too but this felt the best of them all, plus that he offered to help with a practical thing at hand.
A friend of mine said she would be praying for my complete recovery so that I'd not need any medication at all. That was after she read my blog and saw how horrible life with meds can be. I have had really awful experiences lately. I am happy I have not been killed by them. I feel so encouraged by her prayers.
A distant friend did not give up when he did not find me in MSN. He wrote an email to me, asking what has happened. We had a long and wonderful discussion this evening.
I have been able to go for a walk. I have been able to do gardening today. I think I was out for two hours or so, all the time doing something. Wooow it feels great! I am so happy of it, although it always hurts my broken toe. Perhaps I have that toe so that I would understand to pace myself, not to try too much.
I feel so good of the sunlight.
And I don't feel sick anymore, every time I try to eat.
Lots of things to be happy for!
But also, a work mate of mine paid attention and commented my looks: I had dressed in matching tones - shirt, jacket, hair accessories - and she said I had so wonderful colours. It felt good.
Then, a friend to my late brother called and said he'd like to meet. He had other things to tell too but this felt the best of them all, plus that he offered to help with a practical thing at hand.
A friend of mine said she would be praying for my complete recovery so that I'd not need any medication at all. That was after she read my blog and saw how horrible life with meds can be. I have had really awful experiences lately. I am happy I have not been killed by them. I feel so encouraged by her prayers.
A distant friend did not give up when he did not find me in MSN. He wrote an email to me, asking what has happened. We had a long and wonderful discussion this evening.
I have been able to go for a walk. I have been able to do gardening today. I think I was out for two hours or so, all the time doing something. Wooow it feels great! I am so happy of it, although it always hurts my broken toe. Perhaps I have that toe so that I would understand to pace myself, not to try too much.
I feel so good of the sunlight.
And I don't feel sick anymore, every time I try to eat.
Lots of things to be happy for!
Friday, October 2, 2009
Going forward
It has been minusdegrees in the two previous nights. It is a crispy feeling in the air, weather is chilly but sunny - it is just wonderful out there.
Yesterday I talked about my situation, to a colleague, to one of my best friends and my confident, and to my husband. Then I decided it was time I do something for myself and to the situation.
Yesterday all I ate during the day was a coffee and a bun, as I was invited to coffee by my colleague. I decided it was time I start seeing to that I eat properly. I have just been rushing between home and work and everything else has been set aside. I also decided I need to motion more. And I need to cut the stressy working day somehow.
I took a proper meal with me today when I came to work. I also went via the bakery and purchased a cake for the coffee, and brought it here to delight me and my colleagues during the coffee break. And I took 20 minutes in the middle of the day and went out to have a walk in the wonderful, bright sunlight, in the middle of the falling autumn leaves... I concentrated in thinking that I am worth it, till I had got out and was really walking and enjoying the weather and the light and the beauty... just what I need. I need to see that I am the most important thing in my life. If I neglect myself, all else goes with it. (This was no religious argument, God comes above everything of course.) I have been on my way to burn-out - I got a warning yesterday and I have to do something to it before it takes me.
By the way, I noticed that I have not been out with anyone for a long time, anyone else than family and husband I mean. I enjoyed the coffee with my colleague, and I enjoyed being opened the door for, and being escorted in the stairs, and all that. Should do it more often really!
Now it is week-end coming. Usually my week-ends have been spent by rushing from one undone household chore to another, since so much remains undone during the week. This time I must take care of myself too. I must go out and enjoy the weather and the sun, I must get motion, I must get light, and I must eat. I must keep on telling myself that I am worth it, till I believe.
It is time to leave office and head to the shop and then home. I need this week-end of not-having-to-go-anywhere. I hope you enjoy your week-end too!
Yesterday I talked about my situation, to a colleague, to one of my best friends and my confident, and to my husband. Then I decided it was time I do something for myself and to the situation.
Yesterday all I ate during the day was a coffee and a bun, as I was invited to coffee by my colleague. I decided it was time I start seeing to that I eat properly. I have just been rushing between home and work and everything else has been set aside. I also decided I need to motion more. And I need to cut the stressy working day somehow.
I took a proper meal with me today when I came to work. I also went via the bakery and purchased a cake for the coffee, and brought it here to delight me and my colleagues during the coffee break. And I took 20 minutes in the middle of the day and went out to have a walk in the wonderful, bright sunlight, in the middle of the falling autumn leaves... I concentrated in thinking that I am worth it, till I had got out and was really walking and enjoying the weather and the light and the beauty... just what I need. I need to see that I am the most important thing in my life. If I neglect myself, all else goes with it. (This was no religious argument, God comes above everything of course.) I have been on my way to burn-out - I got a warning yesterday and I have to do something to it before it takes me.
By the way, I noticed that I have not been out with anyone for a long time, anyone else than family and husband I mean. I enjoyed the coffee with my colleague, and I enjoyed being opened the door for, and being escorted in the stairs, and all that. Should do it more often really!
Now it is week-end coming. Usually my week-ends have been spent by rushing from one undone household chore to another, since so much remains undone during the week. This time I must take care of myself too. I must go out and enjoy the weather and the sun, I must get motion, I must get light, and I must eat. I must keep on telling myself that I am worth it, till I believe.
It is time to leave office and head to the shop and then home. I need this week-end of not-having-to-go-anywhere. I hope you enjoy your week-end too!
Collapsed
I think I sort of collapsed this morning when driving to work. There is so much going on now, everywhere, and the last days have been chaotic - and I am happy there is my own family and some good friends too... because work is a madhouse. Someone has unbound the devil and let it harrass here quite freely so it feels... there are police investigations, people fighting each other, newspapers running here, and writing something about it each and every day... and everything is in a mess.... for months, and months, I have struggled to keep going in spite of the even worse situation all around me though I feel it is all tearing even me apart... I have tried to concentrate in my own work and do just that and leave everything else but lately when things have been taking the wrong course even in my field due to that devil messing freely all around, I have had to take action and at times I feel that I am head over heels diving into it too... anyway I just, like, got all which is going on in all these fields or branches and all the evilness and all emotions connected to it, like poured on me - it was an overwhelming feeling ... added with everything good that is going on too ... and I just felt like crying over it alltogether. I can't really even explain it all. But it is so at work nowadays that I feel I have to use all my mental capacity to balance between everything - my tasks, and the overall situation - my intentions, and the whole ship having no course at all - my devotion and love to my work and the hatred there is all around which seems to pull everything to trash... this prostitution of democracy which is culminating into mutual accusations... this awful parody of caring about the municipality and its people... I have never seen anything like this. I cannot describe it in any other way than that it is the devil having been unbound. There is no dignity, nothing... just pure evilness. I'd just like to cry out that I cannot stand it anymore... goodness, my CLIENTS come here and wonder how I have the strength to go on here and I get THEIR sympathy because of the situation...
Okey... I don't think I have been talking much about work this past year but it has been like this all the time. I thought it could not get worse but it has got a lot worse and I don't even see any end of it... and I am so ashamed too though it is not me and nothing has anything to do with me or my doings but anyway...
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